The heartbeat of your behavior change program is your consequences because they help you keep your rules alive. Think of rules as the brains of the operation because they have the information about what behavior is expected. Think of rewards as the legs of the program because they keep things running nicely. And be sure to think of ‘consequences’ as something very different from punishment.

Consequences are natural and logical outcomes of behavior. Consequences can be rewarding. But, when there is a problem to deal with, natural consequences free you from struggling to control your child while he has opportunities to learn to solve his own problems. Above all though, you want to keep your children safe so there may be times of exception when you call the shot, and that’s that.

Key Tips for Successful Consequence Planning

1. Match up the severity of the consequence with the seriousness of the violation. This does not mean be harsh. It does mean a consequence must be compelling enough for your child to take action. Banishing your child from the kitchen because he spilled the milk -again - is overkill and not too practical but mopping the floor before leaving the kitchen is a match. Eventually he will get tired of spilling and mopping.

2. Pre-plan. Don’t make up consequences as you go along.Kids must be clear on what will and will not happen in given circumstances. Where appropriate, involve your child. You may be amazed at how your kids jump on board identifying their own logical consequences. If you see adjustments are needed, go back to the drawing board, think it through and then talk with you child to be sure the program changes are well understood.
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3. Be consistent, without fail! If you let a consequence slide, or relax your guard because things are getting better, it will be a tough climb uphill to correct. Stop what you’re doing and follow through, no matter what else is going on. When you are wishy-washy, your kids know they can outsmart you. On the other hand, every time you show consistency, you also show credibility and each incident gets easier to handle.

4. Stop yourself from impulsively delivering absurd consequences in the heat of your frustration. “You’re grounded for a month!” is probably way overdoing it. A week may be more effective and is definitely more realistic for you to enforce.

5. Threatening what you cannot possibly follow through with is the same as saying “I don’t really expect you to listen to me.” Your kids know those buttons well and play a tougher game than you will have the energy to play in return. Avoid resorting to useless threats. They usually start with phrases such as “From now on –” and “Never again –”

6. Don’t fall for guilt, debates or self- doubt. That is the timeworn test you must pass. Remember who is the parent here. Calmly state your expectations in a positive, non-confrontational way. “You can be on the phone or IM your friends after all homework is done.” [Notice how you have also stated that the consequence of not finishing homework at a reasonable time means no ’socializing’ from home that night.]

7. Give second chances -rarely. You can include a first warning system in your program to alert your child that consequences he may not like are on the horizon. Then follow through if the warning goes unheeded!

8. Practice. Consequencing is one of the toughest parenting and educator challenges, but like other skills, it becomes comfortable in time. As you see the wonder in how consequences work, you will wonder how you managed before! Your child will learn to respect them and expect them.

Modify When It Will Help Your Child Succeed

With our challenging loved ones with Autism, ADHD, Asperger Syndrome and other LD issues, we must further fine-tune our approach by teaching them the micro skills that may not come naturally but are necessary for success. A child may need:

  • More time to process a situation. For this child, it may only be fair to build in warnings.

  • problem-solving skills required to come up with solutions to the consequences presented.

  • help to see how flexibility will pay off for her - that cooperation makes the world easier to live in even though it may not be her preferred way of doing something.

  • skills to avoid being taken advantage of so not to wind up with continual consequences.

  • help to not over focus on the rules - for example, kids with Asperger syndrome can get fixated on the rule when paying attention to the consequence is the important part.
Ellen Mossman-Glazer - EzineArticles Expert Author

Ellen Mossman-Glazer M.Ed. is a Life Skills Coach and Behavioral Specialist, specializing in Asperger Syndrome, High Functioning Autism, ADHD, and learning difficulties. Over her 20 years in special education classrooms and treatment settings, Ellen has seen the struggle that children and adults have when they feel they don’t fit in. She now works in private practice with people across the USA and Canada, by phone, teleconference groups and email, helping parents, educators, caregivers and their challenging loved ones, to find their own specific steps and tools to thrive. Ellen is the author of two on line e-zines, Emotion Matters: Tools and Tips for Working with Feelings and Social Skills: The Micro Steps. Subscribe for free and see more about Ellen at http://artofbehaviorchange.com/
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