Open Journalism For All - News, Documentaries And Information Services

1. Anticipate any objections your visitors may have
about your product offer. You must research your
target audience’s needs and wants.

2. Remember not to use outrageous or unbelievable
claims in your ad copy. People are too savvy online
and won’t believe you.

3. Pick a good name for your business and product.
Your names should be memorable and describe the
kind of product your offering.

4. Solve your customer complaints by being quick
and friendly. The faster you respond, the more your
customers feel you care about them.

5. Never think your customers are satisfied with
their purchase. You should be constantly finding
new ways to better your product and service.

6. Market yourself, as well as your product. You
could write articles, ebooks, do free consulting,
do speaking engagements, etc.

7. Find new target audiences for your products or
services. For example, if you’re selling coffee to
stores try to also sell it to coffee shops.

8. Use the phrase “invest in our product” instead of
the words buy or purchase. This makes prospects
feel they’re investing in their future if they buy.

9. Create offline affiliates to market your product.
Have people sign up at your web site to sell your
products through “house parties”.

10. Use logos and slogans for your business. They
make it easier for people to remember and identify
your business.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Robert Kleine is the owner and webmaster of many online businesses:
http://www.opportunityknoxx.com
http://www.computer-information-resource.com http://www.yur-insurance.com and many more.

Chamonix is a prestigious location with the towering Mont Blanc and majestic glaciers. All of us love to go bouldering or sometimes eating out. I normally travel from Toledo and stay at a Chamonix luxury chalet during my break.

We used to visited Millennium Hilton Bangkok but it never matched its description: This Millennium Hilton Hotel features 543 rooms, is located on the banks of the Chao Phraya River, and is approximately 19 miles from Bangkok International Airport. Local attractions include the Grand Palace, and the Temple of Dawn, both located less than one mile from the property.Hotel amenities include an ATM, barber shop, shops, elevators, florist, currency exchange, activity desk, laundry services, local area shuttles, multilingual staff, newsstand, room service, safe deposit boxes, business center, business services, fitness center, swimming pool, babysitting services, four restaurants, and three bars.

However in Chamonix ski resort the lodge is nearly always fine. As well dining in our groups number one restaurant, El Vaquero Restaurant, enjoying raspberry ribbons is a pleasure. Chamonix is a big enough place to guarantee that there is plenty for the skier to do. Amongst other things it includes a casino and a strip of bars, Chamonix offers a mix of snowboarding, French alpine charm and shopping which not many resorts can beat.

The Hotel Al Vivit is a venetian-style building situated in the renowned Piazza Ferretto since 1911. The Hotel has bright rooms providing all comforts and furnished with accuracy by the direction, that takes constantly care of the management. The accuracy of all the details and services characterize our house, which is a landmark for a comfortable stay.

Hotel Al Vivit offers exclusive rooms that are separated for smoking and non-smoking guests.

The hotel provides the following services:

How to Write Articles for Promotion & Profit

Want another great idea on how to market your business for FREE? Write articles. This powerful method actually works online and off. You can write articles in your area of expertise and submit them to local newspapers as well as trade magazines or newsletters that are read by your target market. Online, you can submit your articles to a variety of directories.

Suppose you are a coach and want to work with people in the financial field. Accountants, bankers, financial advisors all belong to associations that produce member newsletters. Additionally these professions have trade magazines. An article that demonstrates how a coach can help build an accountant’s practice or bring balance to the life of an overworked banker would be perfect for these markets.

What Are the Main Benefits?

1.Build credibilitywhich builds trust and people buy from those they trust.
2.Increase trafficthousands will be reading your articles and visiting your site.
3.Create linkstrading with others for their articles.
4.Establish expertiseyou’ll become known in your field.

How Do You Write a Winning Article?

1.Choose a title that grabs attentionsince you have about five seconds to hold your audience, make sure your title clearly spells out the benefits to the reader with impact!
2.Focus your topic on your narrowly niched market, as in the example of people who work in the financial industry. This way you can write specifically to address their problems and offer your products and services as the best solution.
3.Keep the tone friendly, yet stay on track. Present the problem, offer the solution, present the benefits of using someone like you. Offer practical tips the reader can implement immediately. Show them how to take the next step by using a real life example. Finish up with a call to action.
4.Have a resource box after your article with your name, contact information and an irresistible offer, such as a free report or consultation. Because you’re using an article for promotion, the ultimate goal is to have the reader click on your Web site link and eventually buy something from you.

Where Do You Submit Your Articles?

1.With articles on your Web site, always have an offer for anyone to use the article on their site with your resource box. If you send out an e-zine, have the same offer with the articles in your e-zine. If you receive e-zines, e-mail the owners of those you think have a good target audience for your products and services and ask if they would like to trade articles.
2.Directories are growing daily on the Internet. You can submit your article to any of countless article, e-zine or subject directories. Google and Yahoo are the best places to start to find these directories as well as these: ww.ideamarketers.com, www.ezinearticles.com, www.goarticles.com.

If you think you can’t write a decent article but would like to use this great idea for promotion, contact a ghostwriter, copywriter or freelance writer to help. WritersWay writes articles for you that showcase your expertise and read as if you wrote them yourself!

© 2004 Andrea Susan Glass and WritersWay.com. Any reproduction of this article in any manner is prohibited without the consent of WritersWay.com or the author. We give permission to use this article on your Web site or e-zine if you reproduce it exactly as it appears here including this notice. Visit www.WritersWay.com for all your writing, editing and marketing needs and to order your FREE report, “Top Ten Tips on How to Write and Sell Your eBook for Maximum Profit with Minimum Effort.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andrea Susan Glass, founder of WritersWay, helps clients reach their writing and marketing goals with effective articles, press releases, newsletters, Web site copy, eBooks and books. An award-winning author, she has written books, eBooks and articles on subjects ranging from animals and auto repair to singles and spirituality.

Let The Kissing Begin
By David Leonhardt

Every now and then a quarrel breaks out down at the barber shop, lines are drawn, challenges leveled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What is the greatest sport ever?

Some say “football”. Some say “baseball”. Canadians say “hockey”. The rest of the world says “soccer”. (Actually, they say “football”, too…but they mean “soccer”.

I say: “kissing”. Yes, kissing is the greatest sport ever. Allow me to recount just a few of the reasons.

Kissing is a very versatile sport. There are so many kisses - at least one for each occasion. There is the peck on the cheek kiss, the peck on each cheek kiss, the peck on your nephew’s cheek kiss while grabbing the other cheek flab with your hand, the madly passionate kiss, the kiss on the hand, the kiss of death, the “Hey you! Kiss this!”, and even the town of Kissimmee (founded by early Italian pioneer kissers) in Florida.

Kissing is easy to transport. It really doesn’t matter where you are. You can kiss: at the gym, in the boardroom, in the space shuttle, even in Alaska from June through September.

Kissing requires very little equipment, meaning you can do it even when unprepared, and even when you have to travel light. This makes it the ideal participation sport for businessmen, world travelers and hang gliders

Kissing always livens things up. Try this: the next time you are in a booooring meeting that seems to last foreeeeever, why not just kiss somebody. See how it livens things up?

Kissing is legal in all 50 states and most countries. Rumors are circulating that kissing will even be legalized soon on Mars, Jupiter and in Afghanistan.

Kissing is 100% biodegradable, so when you kiss somebody, you help the environment.

Kissing is safe to do in a moving vehicle, as long as you are not driving.

Kissing is non toxic…unless you kiss somebody who has just swallowed a bottle of Drano. Even so, kissing is still safe, as long as you avoid the mouth area.

Kissing is non-fattening. This is perhaps the best news of all, because now dieters have something to keep their mouths busy while not eating, and smokers can quit smoking without having to chew candies until they a) need to diet or b) induce diabetes. (Read the headline: “Kissing prevents diabetes”)

Kissing is organic, low in sodium, preservative-free, low in saturated fats and does not contain dozens of delicious ingredients that cannot be pronounced, like javelchromopntheoremicherbicidic acid.

Most kisses are not tested on animals, but who am I to stifle your sense of adventure.

You can kiss just about everyone: your boyfriend, your aunt, your wife, your veterinarian, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick and your pet aardvark. Don’t try kissing them all at the same time, though…especially not your boyfriend and your wife.

Kissing meets the toughest safety regulations of any national or international sporting organization. Kissing has a tremendous safety record, except for the occasional locked braces. But a quick call for a AAA tow truck fixes that problem (CAA in Canada, AA in the UK, the local plumber in France)

The only recorded deaths involving kissing are by third parties, usually wives, husbands, spurned lovers and other spectators who somehow get past security and storm onto the playing field.

There are a few kisses we recommend you avoid. These are often referred to as “extreme kissing”. Don’t kiss an on-duty sumo wrestler; it is considered dangerous. Don’t kiss a metal fence-post in sub-zero weather; readers in northern climates know exactly what I mean. Don’t kiss any electrical outlets. Don’t kiss the vacuum cleaner if you want to retain all your vital organs. It’s OK to kiss sandpaper, just don’t use your tongue. Don’t kiss a chainsaw; we feel this one is self-explanatory. And don’t kiss your office manager while on duty…unless you happen to be a work-from-home hermit like me.

But overall, kissing is so great that it makes baseball, hockey, football and soccer seem like bush league sports. Next time you hear a brawl at your local barbershop, just go in and give everyone a kiss. I guarantee that you will win the argument hands down. And if not, at least you will make some new friends to argue with.

About the Author

David Leonhardt publishes The Happy Guy humor column:
http://www.thehappyguy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html
And A Daily Dose of Happiness:
http://www.thehappyguy.com/daily-happiness-free-ezine.html
Read more humor columns at:
http://www.thehappyguy.com/humor-articles.html
As well as owner of the Liquid Vitamin Supplements Store:
http://www.vitamin-supplements-store.net

For years, I smugly prided myself as a non-fax machine person. I felt it beneath my dignity to own such a technical contraption. The quill is more my style than a computer but, being practical, I reluctantly use a computer, casting wistful glances at the dust gathering on my quill.

Unfortunately, in the world in which we live, it is necessary to fax some letters or documents to someone in some odd part of the world. I don’t like it, but that’s just the way it is.

On the rare occasion when I must fax some document at an office supply store, I usually sneak in the back way. It has been my experience, when the fax man seeth me cometh, he always raises the price per page. This is just a small service he does for Yours Truly.

Then, when paying for this service, the fax man usually says with an impish grin, “When are you going to get a fax machine of your own?”

I always flash a smile back at him, but if he knew the thoughts in my head, he would charge me more per page. Silence truly is golden, especially for the person exercising the virtue.

Actually, I don’t trust machines. I know a mind somewhere is controlling all of these machines a menacing, mischievous mind dedicated to the simple task of messing up my life.

When I eventually break down and buy a fax machine someone will invent something to replace it and I’ll have another antique on my hands to put alongside of my Underwood typewriter and boxes of 8-track tapes.

This notwithstanding, I ended up buying a fax machine several weeks ago. I didn’t want to, but I had no choice in the matter.

My printer finally went the way of all printers. I hated to see it go. The left side was cracked where Noah, the original owner, dropped it. For years, it served me quite well. My next printer will have a big ink cartridge to fill.

I hate buying replacement equipment. Rarely is the new any better than the old, just more expensive, not to mention complicated. But, necessity is the stepmother of all complications in life, and I set out to buy a new printer.

I resolutely did not want to buy a fax machine. Under no circumstance did I want to buy a fax machine. Therefore, I ended up buying a fax machine.

It is impossible to buy a printer anymore. In order to buy a printer you must

buy a machine that prints/copies/scans/faxes. I think it’s a pretty sneaky way to get me to buy a fax machine. Someone “out there” is set on me owning a fax machine even though I don’t want to own one.

This new machine does everything but vacuum the interior of my car. But it was the cheapest machine I could find.

I bought the machine but determined not to use the fax part. After all, somebody has to stand up for what they believe. Not everybody should succumb to the latest trend.

I was doing fine until ending up in the hospital. When I got out, I needed to fax a document to the hospital. Now I faced a taxing dilemma.

Do I go to the office store and fax my document, or do I try out my new printer/copier/scanner/fax machine?

Precedence finally gave way to convenience. I took my document to my new machine and figured out how to fax it to the hospital.

Not being confident in my technical knowledge, I called the hospital office to check on the faxed document. Much to my surprise the person on the other end said in a very cheery voice, “Yes, I have the faxed document right here in my hand.”

I must admit, although I hate doing so, faxing from my house was much easier than going to the office store.

I now knew how to fax a document anywhere in the world, but I had nothing to fax to anyone in the world. I just stood there looking at my machine trying to think of something to fax.

Even though I knew how to fax a document, I still did not know how to receive a fax.

Several days ago, a friend called and said he had a document he wanted me to have right away. He then asked the ominous question, “Do you have a fax machine?”

I began to say no, but hesitated and confessed I had a fax machine but did not know how to receive faxes. It was humiliating to make such a confession, but it was true.

“It’s simple,” he said, “hang up the phone and I’ll dial again and let the machines talk to one another.”

This caused no small discomfort. To think these machines are talking to one another behind my back is most disturbing. What are they saying about me behind my back?

Now that I come to think about it, I have heard sounds similar to snickering coming from the general direction of my printer/scanner/copier/fax machine. I don’t mind Big Brother watching over me, but I do mind some machine making jokes with other machines about me.

When it comes to “new things,” God is the master. This is what He promises to do for us. “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV.)

Put that in your printer and fax it.

About the Author

Reverend Snyder is currently ministering at the “Family of God
Fellowship” in Ocala, Florida. More of his articles are available
for reprint at his website: http://www.godspenman.com/
Rev. Snyder is available as a guest speaker. He writes a weekly
column and is the author of “You Can Always Tell a Pastor; But Not Very Much ” available at: http://www.jamessnyderministries.com/

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

JEEPERS CREAPERS IT’S JULY!

– Odd Events & Activities Calendar for July 2005 –

Compiled by: Beatrice Blitterlees & Earl Craboon

July is one of the most popular jocund, jocose, and jocular months of the year.

In a nutshell, this means one can be jestful, merry, playful and witty without fear of becoming a public spectacle.

After all, it’s summertime. And in some places like Canada, this 60-day season comes but once a year … along with oodles of blinking bugs, hordes of black bears, and far too many blessed barbecues to count.

“Joie de vivre” is in the air! Now get ready to jay-walk with joy, munch jelly-beans with reckless abandon, and jog to your heart’s content (without any clothes on of course).

And without further adieu, as the saying goes, “May my karma run over your dogma”. If you don’t fancy that, then enjoy the following odd activities designed to put a smile on your face if nothing else!

July 1 - JUMP FOR JOY DAY (Time to leap tall buildings, skip something important on your to-do list, and hang out with all the other jungle-bunnies at the Jungle Gym).

July 2 - JUNK ART, JUNK BOND, AND JUNK MAIL APPRECIATION DAY (Who said there’s no gold in them there hills of riff-raff and really tasty refuse!)

July 3 - JEZEBEL RECOGNITION DAY (A festive occasion to celebrate red-hot mommas, fashion-conscious floosies, and those saucy, sultry sirens that spice up life!)

July 4 - JUMBO APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor all the white elephants supported by public taxpayers, and those everyone ignores sitting in their living rooms).

July 5 - JOUSTING TOURNAMENT DAY (For all Knights of the Board-Room Table who need to don their jock straps and shiny armor suits, ride well-heeled hobby horses, and yell “cowabunga” while poking each other in the mid-riff with super-duper, ludicrously long whopping rubber pointy things just to have a bit of fun and frolic).

July 6 - JOHNNY-ON-THE-SPOT APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor the humble but clean and safe public places of ease that afford one the opportunity of taking a piddle during a parade, a leisurely leak during a jamboree or simply letting the creative juices flow at an outdoor jazz festival …so when nature calls, why isn’t there a blinking one in sight?)

July 7 - NATIONAL JERRY-BUILD & JURY-RIG RECOGNITION DAY (It’s never too late to honor all those marvelous makeshift folks who simply slap things together with a bit of duct-tape, silly putty, and glue without things falling down around their ears!)

July 8 - JUNKET AWARENESS DAY (Time to audit all the places politicians, pundits, and grand pooh-bahs have visited in the name of “expanding business opportunities” or “understanding diverse cultures” …all on the taxpayers’ tab!)

July 9 - JIM-DANDY, WHIZBANG & HUMDINGER DAY (A great way to honor average Joes who want a name change and need a reason to have a party when it isn’t even their birthday …they’re just glad not to be at work today!)

July 10 - JEEPERS CREEPERS - IT’S CRAB APPRECIATION DAY (In honor of all those cranky Cancer-types who love security, money, food, children and also some very old casual clothes you wouldn’t be caught dead even if they have designer-labels and were once worn by Batman or the Bees Knees for that matter).

July 11 - JOLLY JUXTAPOSING DAY (For all those folks with a color-coordination or mix-and-match impairment gene, and now a valid excuse to dress up like a dork!)

July 12 - JOYSTICK & JOYRIDE AWARENESS DAY (This day is dedicated to people who are all thumbs, hate teeter-totters, and always dreamed of driving a kiddy-car).

July 13 - NATIONAL JOB-HOPPING DAY (In honor of those who quit their juicy jobs as call center operators, burger flippers, or toll booth attendants and ran away to the circus).

July 14 - JAW-BONING & JAY-WALKING DAY (Time to recognize the vital role played by influence peddlers and crazy cross-walkers in the lives of the dull and boring).

July 15 - JOB’S COMFORTER AWARENESS DAY (There’s one in every crowd who discourages or depresses while seemingly giving comfort and consolation - give them a wailing towel, a big fat sucker, and send them back where they came from fast!)

July 16 - JOSHING & BANTERING DAY (Good-natured teasing, idle-talk, and twiddling thumbs burn calories and brings bliss, what more do you want from life?)

July 17 - JUMPER, JUMP-SUIT & JOHNNY FASHION DAY (Time to honor clothes designed for folks with no curves, no class and no clever jokes to get a laugh!)

July 18 - NATIONAL PUT-YOUR-JOHN-HENRY-HERE DAY (Finally a day to finger all those folks who scribble signatures on documents that none of us can read!)

July 19 - JANGLED NERVES & JIGSAW PUZZLE DAY (A time to honor little lost puzzle pieces and those frazzled folks who call this leisure activity - stress-busting!)

July 20 - JODHPUR APPRECIATION DAY (A form-fitting pair of leggings with a full cut through the hips that every well-dressed closet elephant-lover should wear!)

July 21 - JOLLY ROGER RECOGNITION DAY (Pirates are pleased that basic black is back, while patriotic flag-waving folk adore the classic look of skulls and cross-bones to impress their friends & allies!)

July 22 - JOHNNY-COME-LATELY DAY (If you’re always late for a very important date …and your name’s not the “Mad Hatter”… this day is made for you!)

July 23 - JITTERBUG APPRECIATION DAY (So you have two left feet, and you can’t find the right groove let alone the wrong one…but who says you can’t jive, jump and down, or jiggle your booty like the Big Bopper or the Loony Crooner?)

July 24 - JETSAM & FLOTSAM APPRECIATION DAY (Time to toss a few things overboard in the sea of life before you take that all-expense paid trip on the Titanic!)

July 25 - JIGGING, JOGGING, & JUGGLING DAY (A way to honor those who like tap dancing on the head of a pin, running a mile in someone else’s shoes, or deftly tossing objects in the air with not a hope in hell of catching them without the aid of an iron fist in a velvet glove, a spanking new magic wand and the Wizard of Id presiding over this ridiculous spectacle).

July 26 - JALOPENA PEPPER AWARENESS DAY (If the devil is in the details, then Beelzebub probably eats Tabasco sauce for the main course and hot peppers for dessert! So if you want to be a big bouncer or a big bazooka movie star - eat plenty of those suckers!)

July 27 - JUMP IN THE JACUZZI DAY (To gain a new perspective on life, toss your knickers, drop your drawers and enjoy a bubble bath with your friends or neighbors).

July 28 - INTERNATIONAL JARGON APPRECIATION DAY (In recognition of people who love the sound of their own voices and enjoy spitting out some very strange words that baffle or boggle the mind of those who have to wade through all their bleeping bumpf!)

July 29 - JOVIAL JINGOISM DAY (Time to write a hiliarious, catchy but short patriotic jingle to rally the freedom-loving world against the evils of licking luscious bubble-gum flavored soft ice-cream on a hot day!)

July 30 - JACK-IN-THE-BOX & JUMPING JACK DAY (A day honoring all those who spend an inordinate amount of time, money, and other resources trying to stuff “Jack-be-nimble-Jack-be-quick” back into the wrong frigging box …but never tell that to a manager …because these Big Birds are paid to pigeon hole everyone!)

July 31 - JOWL APPRECIATION DAY (This is joy-filled festive occasion features fondling of a dewlap, wattle or pendulous part of a double chin belonging to an intimate friend or close companion - just to let them know how much their wiggly whatsit means to you).

About the Author

Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and Lord Earl Craboon are two charm-free types (who having been tossed out of the House of Lords and Ladies in Jolly Olde England) ended up in the Court of the Quipping Queen situated on the tip of Vancouver Island waiting for a 9 point on the Richter scale earthquake to hit at any moment. (In the meantime, please feel free to drop by www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com for more breathtaking details).

Copyright “The Quipping Queen” 2005.

IT’S FUNKY FEBRUARY OF COURSE!
(Calendar of Odd Events for - FEBRUARY 2005)

**Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon –

Why is everyone so happy?

Because it’s festive, flirtatious and frolicking February of course — ahem …the shortest month of the year. So find yourself some frisky fortune cookies and have fun!!

Merry-making males better beware, because who knows when all those feisty females will cash in their “frequent flubber” cards, (you know, the ones with little red hearts all over them.) By the way, toss those Twinkies all you Princes of Pucker Power!!!

Aquarians will need to put down their personal diaries for a moment and listen (which is a difficult task for warter-carriers like you). Say, aren’t you the rainbow-inspired, paragliding, Uranus folk with weird friends who get a real kick out of telling others what needs to be done? Oh do stop gloating, it doesn’t become you. And yes, we all know it’s now your turn to run the zodiac! (Thank God it’s only for a month!)

On the other hand, if you’re a ridiculous rooster or heartbroken hen-pecker with a touch of barnyard blues, you’re probably relieved to know that your twelve-year cycle in the Chinese astrological calendar has finally arrived. (Oh whoopee-ding for everyone else!)

And, if you were just waking up after a long winter nap like the groundhog, you’d just as soon hit the frigging snooze alarm button, and grab a bit more shut-eye before facing a wild bunch of cavorting Cupids on Valentine’s Day!

So, without further adieu…here’s what you can do to keep yourself tickled pink for the entire month of February:

February 1: INTERNATIONAL DAYDREAMING DAY (time to see who can gaze vacantly into space the longest …while listening to a long-winded lecture or munching on molecules)

February 2: HUG A GROUNDHOG DAY (time to press the flesh with grunt and groan types who seem to spend most of their time in the barnyard of life chasing their own shadows — and check out what Wiaraton Willie has to say for himself)

February 3: AQUARIUS HERITAGE DAY (beware of water carrying geniuses eating unusual food and are a tad independent, mentally odd, tactless, or eccentric for their own good)

February 4: NATIONAL ‘PASS THE BUCK’ DAY (a wonderful way to honor those who are forever delegating dirty jobs to other poor souls lower down the food chain of life)

February 5: WHOOP-DE-D00 DAY (get ready to build sandcastles in the air, draw outside the lines, and share your favorite wind-up toys with other grown-up kids at work)

February 6: DING DONG AWARENESS DAY (time to remember when you last invited a bible-thumper or political candidate into your home to discuss the future of grommets)

February 7: ELEPHANT IN THE LIVING ROOM APPRECIATION DAY (in honor of all sorts of big bogies or couch critters we ignore, and we’d just as soon others did too please!)

February 8: GET THEE TO A MUMMERY DAY (time to dress up and pantomime or lip-sync your all-time favorite celebrity or perhaps a cartoon character if you’re really in a pinch)

February 9: COCK-0′-THE WALK DAY (your frisky fortune cookie says it’s time to pay tribute to all the red roosters you know who are brave, motivated, proud, romantic, and a tad blunt …if truth be told )

February 10: SHOW & TELL DAY (okay it’s about time to haul out your really neat travel slide show of your trip to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan with spell-binding commentary!)

February 11: THE-RIGHT-WAY-TO-DO-IT DAY (remember what Mum taught you …how to use a knife and fork, or other vital stuff like how to install a toilet paper roll correctly)

February 12: FIRST-IN-LINE DAY (finally an occasion celebrating persons whose surnames begin with “X”, “Y” or “Z”…so everyone else, kindly step to the back of the line!!)

February 13: FREE LUNCH DAY (now you can call in your markers and collect all those outstanding IOUs you’ve been saving for a rainy day - WOW are you ever lucky!)

February 14: SLINGS & ARROWS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE DAY (how else do you expect to bewitch a beautiful beast; and no chocolate unless it’s made of soy or tofu …you twat)

February 15: FLY YOUR OWN FLAG DAY (now where did I put that “Jolly Roger”?)

February 16: GONAD GAMES DAY (better known as ‘potentate pissing contests’)

February 17: RED DEVIL AWARENESS DAY (time to sprout horns, wear red tights and carry a booming great pitchfork to scare the heck out of your favorite Nemesis naturally)

February 18: DR. SEUSS APPRECIATION DAY (hint: try raiding the kids’ room because you’ll need all the help you can get just to speak in riddles and rhymes all day long)

February 19: HOPSCOTCH AWARENESS DAY (time to go back to elementary school at recess time; hope you can hop, skip and jump…if not, you’d better hire a kangaroo)

February 20: FINGER FOOD APPRECIATION DAY (fee fie foe fum …today’s especially good news for weight-watchers, picky eaters or those wanting to ditch dishwashing duty)

February 21: CHOCOLATE ICE-CREAM FOR BREAKFAST DAY (in honor of taboo treats parents tell you not to eat for the first meal of the day or you’ll suffer a fate worse than death)

February 22: GALOSHES, GUMBOOTS & GO-GO BOOTS (time to pay homage to forgotten fanciful footwear worn by damsels-in-distress or those devil-may-care types)

February 23: DIVESTMENT AWARENESS DAY (time to indulge in nothing but Naked Truths… especially if it involves a tale about an unappareled Emperor …without so much as a figleaf to his name)

February 24: FAKE IT OR FLAUNT IT DAY (the only day you get to act any way you please, provided of course you’re willing to pay for the consequences of your foolish little escapades)

February 25: PITY POT DAY (time to trade or toss your troubles away… in a trashcan?)

February 26: MENTAL FLOSS DAY (the only occasion you can tell all the “Knock-Knock jokes” you want without anyone threatening to arrest you for verbal harassment)

February 27: BREAK OPEN THE PIGGY-BANK DAY (no time like the present to splurge on a great cause; just make sure it’s your money there Ms. Socialite or Mr. Spendthrift)

February 28: SMALL PLANET APPRECIATION DAY (ever wonder what the world would be like without Venus and Mars gumming up the works and making fools of themselves?)

About the Author

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees (in polite circles referred to the Duchess of Dither) and edited by Lord Earl Craboon (better known as the Duke of Doorknobs), both loyal members in the Court of The Quipping Queen (www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com).

I know that I am trying to decide where I want to get my college degree from. The one thing that I do know is the fact that I want to do it from home. I am looking forward to getting my degree online.

I have found many accredited online bachelor degree options as I have been looking. I have decided that I am going to start with making a list of all of the colleges that I know are good colleges. I am then going to find which ones offer online programs.

I know that it is of the highest importance to me to find a program that is going to be from a school that is known. I want to make sure that the degree I am getting is going to be one that is well respected.

I have been out of high school for over ten years. I often feel that I have lost the window to go back to school. I have learned that this is not the case. I as so impressed when my mother decided to go back to school.

She found an accredited online bachelor degree that she wanted to work for. She studied hard and worked towards getting her degree. It took her a lot of hard work and dedication, but now she is on to her way to finally get the degree she always wanted.

She worked at getting her degree very hard, and is going to be graduating next month. I have learned that it is never too late to go back to school.

Viagra; latin-ish for re-enforce, derived from the Greek veristrong
Viagra also means metasplint; meta from the Greek hidden and splint from the English/American splint.
Yes, you all heard of it, but where did it come from?
This is a question that is often asked of me at the bridge club.

Originally, Viagra was a broad term to describe all forms of re-enforcement, but mainly used to provide some support to the tent poles of nomads. High winds such as the Mistral could snap the main support beam of a dwelling in two, and with impunity. The tent and its contents could easily be found scattered around the continent and was as much of an eyesore than it was a pointless loss of life.

Anyway, a clever little man familiar with the intricacies of tent structures, decided to take a masterful stance and arranged various money tails (post rigor mortis ) lengthways along a tent pole, and bound the lot together with shoelaces.
That year, it was the only erect tent north of the equator and he was even instrumental in the construction of the Golden Gate Bridge and the Eiffel Tower. Another project of some fame was implementing wind resilience strategies, to the arm of the Statue of Liberty.
Hercule Phallus and his team of self-promoting goat herders were up late that year.

The Industrial Revolution brought with it, monies to expand any monkey business, and Hercule was given a limitless credit card account. With this money along with some personal consultation fees, he invented, tested and patented “the splint”. Still used today, splints are a God-send to many women bereft of marital support and its implications.
With the advent of plastics, Hercule could see a strong future in more discreet methods of his trade. He invented a product not unlike “car fillers”, which could be applied sparingly or liberally to anything, and after activation by a catalyst, would stiffen instantly.
Gone were the days of unsightly concrete beams, monkey tails, support wires and post-coital sutures!

He deduced that if he could somehow shift the strengthening factors from outside an object, to within it, he could retire to Florida.
He manipulated a few governments into supplying more grant aid and more personnel. Personnel, he impressed on them, would supply better feedback and more accurate results to his experiments than any form of stick, bridge or arm.
Like all revolutionary research, there was some collateral damage, necessary amputations, and disgruntled unions. “The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few” (loose Turkish translation) he quipped as he made a complete mess of one mans ears which were previously floppy by nature. “Ears, like Stars, should have a point” (loose translation, again), he said and the jury agreed.
The jury though, could not see the logic in driving nails and screws into other “laboratory rats” but gave him the benefit of the doubt, and a round of applause.

This is not a well-known fact since Hercule Phallus’s experimental records were purged, but he was also commissioned to do something about the rather soft taste of James Bond’s drink, and transformed it into an exceptionally stiff Martini.

Hercule was a far-seeing man with a vision (a side-effect of having eyes) and could see the day when he would own a pharmaceutical company (because he would need it). He went on to marry a soft-spoken girl from Hard Rock, Nevada by the name of “Running Nose” (native Indian). Though one of his marriage vows stated that he would never, ever, experiment on anyone close to him, Running Nose changed her name to “Nasal Trail” and developed a curious but coarse accent.
Hercule Phallus, eventually died of hardened arteries and is missed by his children Tough Stuff, Tungsten Trollop, Diamond Deirdre, Rigid Ricky, Hardened Henry, and his adopted child, Malleable Mary. Nasal Trail resumed her fluid properties with respect to her nose and her larynx.

We all owe this legend. For without his genius, the Statue of Liberty would not be as high, and couldn’t possibly keep a torch, up. The Eiffel Tower would have bent to the North and became an Arch of some sort.

About the Author

Thick Mick is an “expert” on History with www.TheTrivialTimes.com
Please forgive him, his many memory inconsistencies. He does his best.