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Let me ask you a question. It’s ok. You don’t
have to answer aloud.

Have you ever experienced any of the following
things with a woman?

-Trying to say the right things to “win her
over”?

-Attempting to prove that you were her “ideal
man”?

-A cautious feeling that any moment you might do
something that would turn her off?

-Wondering at all if she’s interested?

If you’re like 99.99% of all men in the dating
scene, you’ve probably answered yes.

Today I’m going to ouline a simple solution to
these problems that you will be able to start
using right away.

It’s called screening.

The most relevant definition to screening for our
purposes is:

Screen v. To examine (a job applicant, for
example) systematically in order to determine
suitability.

When you are with a woman, and it feels as though
she os “systematially examining you in order to
determine suitablility”, (Jeez, that’s a
mouthful) she’s screening you.

The solution you ask?

Simple.

Screen her first.

That’s right. Start screening her first, and it
will be very difficult for her to screen you
since she’ll be too busy trying to win YOU over.

HOW TO SCREEN:

Before you can examine her for suitability, you
first have to know what you are looking for.

Here’s an exercise. Get out a piece of paper and
write down the top 3 characteristics you look for
in a woman.

By the way, don’t write down things that you can
tell by looking at her. I know there’s a few guys
out there that are about to write “hot” as their
first characteristic.

Basically, since you can tell if she’s hot based
on your first glance, there’s no need to screen
for it.

I’ll do the exercise with you.

I wrote down:

-Independent

-Passionate

-Supportive

Now, what you’ll want to do is design a few
questions to indirectly determine if she has
those qualities or not.

This is easy.

For example, for “independent”, I might say
something like:

“You know, I really like women who lead exciting
lives of their own. Are you the type of person
who would rather create something completely
unique and her own or would you rather be part of
a team?”

It’s subtle, interesting, get’s right to the
point, and also let’s her know you have high
expectations.

Here’s another hint. Most women when they are
interested in a guy, will work like the devil to
pass their screens.

Don’t forget to reward her when she passes your
screens! This will make her feel good about
pleasing you and motivate her to do more of that
in the future!

Vincent DiCarlo is a world famous dating coach. His experience comes from years of training pickup artists in underground seduction lairs across the East Coast. He currently runs theApproach: The Science of Social Chemistry for the Modern Gentleman, with his partner Sebastian Drake, and teaches men of all ages and backgrounds to meet, attract and seduce the most beautiful women of the world.

Vincent’s full bio is here: Vincent DiCarlo: Social Dynamics

Find out what your skill level is with a free Personal Evaluation by visiting: Attract Women

Vincent recently reviewed the book ‘The Game’. You can read his review at: Neil Strauss The Game Review.

I took a survey to ask men what they most wanted from women when it comes to sex. While there were a lot of varied responses, there were 5 things that seemed to pop up over and over again. So ladies, take note, chances are your man wants at least one of these.

1. Men would like their partner to be more confident and/or open. She should be willing to stand naked in front of him. She should be willing to tell him what she does and doesn’t like. She should be willing to at least try something new. You get the idea. Ladies, you need to stop being self-conscious and realize that you will turn him on even if your body isn’t perfect.
2. MORE MORE MORE! Men want more sex. Wow, I heard you on this one. A lot of men want more sex than what they are now getting. This applies to both single men and men in relationships.
3. Oral sex. A lot of men complained about this one in varying degrees. Either they never get it, they get it but she stops too soon, or they get it but only every once in a long while.

Here are a few tips to help out with this one:

Tips for Men

• Practice good hygiene. Take a shower before becoming intimate.
• Be sure you are giving as good as you expect to receive.
• Warm her up first, don’t just throw it in her face and expect her to go to it.

Tips for Women

• If you don’t enjoy performing fellatio, find ways to make it more pleasurable. For example, flavored oils, chocolate sauce, or whipped cream.
• Get an anal toy. Men can have anal orgasms and it will take a lot less work on your part. If he’s never had an anal orgasm, you have covered ‘be willing to try new things’ too.
• If he insists that you swallow but you hate the taste, ask him to change his diet. Meat makes semen taste bitter so men who are vegetarians taste much sweeter.

4. Initiate sex. Men want the woman to initiate sex at least some of the time. They enjoy the feeling of being desired as much as women do. Ladies, if you wait for him to start it every time, then he will never know when you are doing it because you want to, or just doing it to make him happy.
5. Masturbate for him. Men love to watch. Ladies, if you feel self-conscious, here are some ways to get things going:

• Have a drink or two to lower your inhibitions.
• Have him start you off, then you take over.
• Use a vibrator as this will take less work on your part and will be more enjoyable for you.
• My motto is practice first, after all, practice makes perfect. If you are very familiar with your own body, masturbating for him will be much easier to do.

That pretty much covers the most mentioned topics. Of course there are other things but these vary some from man to man. Men, if there is something you really, really, want her to do but she won’t, first consider why she doesn’t want to. Does she have a good reason such as it will be painful? Or is it something that she just has no interest in? If this is the case, be patient. Introduce it slowly and listen to what she says. Sometimes it’s not the act itself she objects to but the way you go about it. Making her feel inadequate or defensive for not doing it, pretty much guarantees that she never will.

Ladies, the number one reason why a man cheats is that he can’t get what he needs at home. (Men this isn’t an excuse to blackmail your woman! This only applies to things that are really needed for you to be happy.) Listen to his requests. If they are reasonable, try to be open minded and you just may discover that it isn’t as awful as you thought it would be or, possibly, that it’s something you really end up liking.

To learn more about some of the topics covered in this article, visit Adult Toy Stash - adulttoystash.com
(Please use an active link when posting this article on your website)

Okay, so you’ve gotten to first base and coming around to second. Now what? As you grow closer and begin to find that the chemistry is percolating, the ultimate relationship question arises, to bed or not to bed?

You like each other. In fact you can say that you are getting closer with each passing day. There’s nothing to stand between you, except a fear of intimacy, concern about STD’s, a spouse, kids in the next room, and a host of so many other things that get in the way. You feel that it’s now or never. “Now” feeling too threatening and “never” feeling like forever. This is the time that the line that you’ve drawn in the sand becomes a blur as it blends in with the rest of the beach. Do you dare to step across the line?

We all played the game. As adolescents we played intimacy baseball. How many bases did you get to? What would happen if you hit a homerun? It was hit or miss then. It was easier and expected. Adolescents play with intimacy. Adults become intimate.

The stranger who has become your friend wants to take you to the next level. It forces you to take responsibility for being in the relationship. In an adolescent way you can play with the intimacy. Touch it, feel it, savor it. Or you can allow yourself the complete abandon of intimacy and take it to the next level, trusting, guiding, allowing this other person into your life space.

The lesson of intimacy is a life lesson. There is more to intimacy than meets the eye. Trust, mutual respect, communication, and empathy all play an important role in growing in a relationship. Like a flower, it takes more than rain. It needs sunlight and water and loving encouragement to grow. In that regard, people are like flowers. Intimacy grows from within and shared intimacy is what flourishes.

JJR NY ©

Janet J. Reiss, LCSW, is licensed as a clinical social worker in New York. As a clinician Janet works with children, adolescents, and adults in helping them work through issues that complicate their day-to-day living. Communication, relationships, substance abuse problems and other addictions, psychiatric problems, and family issues are areas that are explored. When Janet is not working as a Clinical Manager or in her private practice she is working on her website http://www.lookingforlove.com which is an online dating directory and marketplace for adult singles.

Are you looking for ideas or motivation tips to make a difference in your life or for someone else’s life? Are you like most everyone and just don’t have much time? Can you perform random acts of kindness every day?

Honestly, it doesn’t take much time to brighten someone’s life. A few minutes a day can make a difference to a person or a family. Just some kindness and the evidence that someone cares about them can turn their world around.

These five motivation tips from the E-book, 101 Ways to Change the World, don’t take much time, so begin to make a difference today! You’ll feel better — and so will the recipient of your kindness.

1. Send at least one e-mail a day telling someone:

2. Send a note of appreciation to your local police department or Fire Station to encourage the people who make a difference in everyone’s lives. This doesn’t happen nearly enough for these people who put their lives on the line for all of us every day.

3. Put a Thank You note and a cookie in the box for your Paper Delivery person. Can you imagine the last time they were shown a kindness for doing their job?

4. Have everyone in your family (even if it’s just you) drop all their loose change in a large glass jar you keep on the counter. Every six months decide where to send it Make a family ritual out of the event and make a difference in someone’s life almost effortlessly.

5. Buy a few extra items at your grocery store and drop them by your local homeless shelter or food bank. You’ll make huge a difference, simply by adding a handful of extra items and a few minutes to your shopping.

Author Ginny Dye shares how practical acts of kindness can make a difference in our world. Get all 101 tips on how you can make a difference by going to http://www.101WaysSeries.com and request “101 Ways to Change the World”.

Usually in our adolescence, we are exposed to many sudden and
inexplicable mood swings as a result of our body undergoing
various hormonal changes that prepare us for adulthood.

Aside from increased social pressures, the onset of
menstruation, for example, introduces adolescent girls to
premenstrual tension (or premenstrual syndrome) and the
menstrual cramps, the former being a mixture of physical and
psychological symptoms, including temporary weight gain, fluid
retention, depression, fits of temper and the like.

Of these, depression is perhaps one of the most commonly
identified conditions that both males and females attest to,
particularly at the onset of puberty.

Depression is a term we colloquially use to pertain to any
particular period of prolonged sadness and lethargy. Colloquial
use would even allow us to call depression any ‘low’ point in
between periods of ‘high’ or happiness. A popular one-liner,
which many of us are familiar with, even goes as far as saying
that depression is in fact simply anger without enthusiasm.

However, the real essence of depression is the fact that you
can’t simply ’snap out of it’, and that it has the capacity to
disrupt your daily activities. It is characterized by prolonged
sadness, anxiety, unusual mood shifts accompanied by a degree of
irrational thought, pessimism, and is responsible for changes in
the way we eat, sleep, or interact with other people that in
effect incapacitates us from participating in productive
activities.

Depression is deemed a disorder that requires treatment and
attention first because it may be a cause for withdrawal from
society as it gives a semblance of suffering, pessimism, and low
self-esteem. Secondly, depression may cause changes in physical
behavior (like eating or sleeping) that may disrupt regular
daily activities or may be mortally dangerous for whoever
suffers from it. It may also, in effect, harm interactions with
other people, particularly those within the atomic community
(like family and friends).

Lastly, the accompanying decrease in rational thought causes
some people to eventually result to thoughts of harming oneself
or even suicide.

Should you find yourself potentially exhibiting that degree of
depression, it is best that you seek immediate help from a
professional. The reason is because the many forms of
depression, each varying in degree of abnormality it lends, are
currently treatable. It will also allow you to accurately
determine whether you may simply be suffering from a common or
minor depression, which is a mild but similarly prolonged form
of depression, or a severe or major depression.

What is severe or major depression then? Severe or major
depression, which medical experts also call clinical depression,
unipolar depression, or major depressive disorder, is a sort of
depression that necessitates medical treatment.

This is because severe depression is thought to be a result of a
chemical imbalance in the brain. This particular brand of
depression is recognized as possibly hereditary by many
psychiatrists and specialists.

Doctors detect severe depression by particular behavioral
patterns that emerge. The first is that of a constant feeling of
sadness or anxiety. This may be accompanied by feelings of
inadequacy and low self-esteem. Another is when you feel
lethargic, tired, or without energy despite the fact that you
did not engage in any physical activity of any form alongside a
feeling of restlessness. You may also feel a decreased capacity
to concentrate and make decisions.

The more ‘telling’ signs that accompany the previous symptoms,
which may be attributed to seasonal hormonal imbalances,
strenuous physical activities, or physical sickness for
non-depressive individuals, have a more or less social
implication to them.

If you are suffering from severe depression, you may have a
feeling of being uninterested in usual activities or hobbies and
you may eventually withdraw from them. Changes in your appetite
may also emerge, leading to drastic weight loss.

Another change is in sleeping habits, which may imply difficulty
in sleeping, waking up too early, or sleeping too much. With
these physically notable changes and the previous general
symptoms is a prevalent feeling of inadequateness, hopelessness
and guilt. Altogether, these may lead to thoughts of suicide or
obsession over death and dying.

The fact that depression can happen to anyone including you,
should be enough impetus to better understand depression.
Understanding that people around you (and there are many of
them) suffer from depression will both allow you to better
interact with them, or, should you be suffering from it as well,
allow you to benefit from support groups or other people who can
better help you deal with the disorder and stop you from
succumbing to it.

The Single Most Important Reason You Are Not as Effective as
You Can Be!

Self-Judgment is sabotaging your professional efforts learn how
to STOP it!

I work with clients daily to clarify their efforts toward
success and to see what is hobbling them in that process. After
over twenty years of this I see over and over again how some
form of self-judgment and self-criticism is the major culprit. I
see how it establishes self-doubt, stops possible solutions from
developing, and diminishes the vision and energy of what could
be. It keeps many people within the realm of what they have
already learned and not taking new strides forward. What steps
would you take in your business, what results would you expect,
what would you dare if judgment wasn’t present? It may be a more
important question than you even realize! For many people this
dynamic is silent and is like the air that they breathe. For
others it is loud and clear but accepted as just the way they
are. So the question is - Who is in Charge Anyway? Is it some
idea based on your cumulative experience, some old voice that
has haunted you for years or is it the full force of your vision
and your creative ability?

All self-judgment is a reflection of learning from the past. It
is the fabric of things you were taught by your parents,
teachers, religion, media images and constantly offers you
advice, evaluations, information about how short you are
falling. Self-judgment creates ideas and images of who we think
we need to be in order to be acceptable. Its action is very
cruel because it attacks the core of who you are. Many people
when life has been inexplicably difficult for some time call
themselves a failure; if they make a mistake they call
themselves stupid - they repeat what they were taught somewhere
along the line. Often when I am working with a client they will
cling to some self-judgment saying, “But it’s true -I did fail
at that”. The issue is how that is used to diminish yourself. It
is very different to recognize you made an error than it is to
attack yourself saying you are a failure. In the first instance
you may be able to look objectively at what has happened and
find a solution. I n the second instance you end up feeling
small, worthless and helpless.

Operating within an inner or outer atmosphere of judgment
deprives us of a large percentage of our creativity and
connection to our deepest acceptance and therefore access to the
deeper qualities of functioning. Self-judgment keeps old
limiting beliefs about our selves in place and often prevents us
from creating what is that we truly want and from achieving
broader levels of success. Often judgments are felt as:
criticisms, condemnations, guidelines, motivators, accusations,
advice, rejections, suggestions, comparison & questions. They
have energetic effects including: loss of energy, anger,
tension, depression, anxiety, heat, weakness, restlessness,
deadness & numbness. The feelings generated in us are to dislike
and to reject ourselves.

Because they seem generated from inside us and are largely
unconscious we don’t recognize them as attacks and do not know
how to defend against them. Attacking ourselves is a major
source of self-betrayal and sabotage. Attacking others is an
important cause of separation and alienation.

The first step in learning how to dis-engage from self-judgment
is to begin developing awareness of it. As I said sometimes it
is like the air you breathe, so much a part of you that you
can’t identify it. When this is true I often ask clients to
notice it’s results: when you feel small, helpless, when you are
walking into a meeting and anxiety is high, when you suddenly
erupt when someone misunderstands you, when you feel collapsed
in the face of someone or something. During these circumstances
I ask clients to notice if they are judging themselves and then
begin to notice the voice or energy of judgment: “I’ll never get
this right - I’m useless” etc., etc. Self-judgment diminishes
you and these are some of its hallmarks. When you become more
aware of it you then have an opportunity to begin finding ways
to stop it.

One of the things that self-judgment accomplishes is to keep you
in a very old internal relationship. Because the basis of most
of these judgments is in childhood- when we were told how to
behave, when a look made us feel there was something wrong with
us and we better adjust ourselves quickly, when we learned the
standards that were expected of us, when we felt awkward and
incapable - when these arise again we are energetically back in
that situation and robbed of our power. So the thrust of work
with self-judgment is to finally cut that relationship - to
bring the support for yourself back home to you and not resident
in a list of rules and regulations spoken or unspoken that told
you who you were supposed to be.

In working with clients I have come up with an acronym that
covers 5 of the basic strategies of dis-engagement. The acronym
is SPACE because that is what occurs when you are successful at
stopping self-judgment - you have SPACE just to be who you are,
SPACE to develop yourself, your real talents and what it is you
want to do in the world.

STRENGTH: Access your natural indignation when you recognize how
damaging self-judgment is and the toll it takes on your life and
your aliveness. Use this STRENGTH to literally tell the judgment
to stop.

PLAY: When a self-judgment arises you can use humor to disarm it
i.e. you can say to the judgment “Yeah right I am the stupidest
person in the whole area.” or “I only let bullies say that to
me. Be absurd about it so there is nowhere for the judgment to
stick. Be like teflon not fly-paper.

AWARENESS: Use a sensing exercise to keep you present as
self-judgment always accesses the past or future. The more you
are in the present the less a judgment can arise. Notice the
many ways in which self-judgment comes up and notice the immense
toll it takes on your aliveness, your creativity, and your joy.
When you are feeling particularly tried, deflated, fearful, or
anxious - look around and notice if there has been a
self-judgment and find away to desist from it.

COMPASSION: Let yourself really be aware of the pain that
self-judgment creates in you and how it sets up situations that
support the belief of the self-judgment. Notice it in others and
how it damages them. Allow this recognition to bring up your
natural compassion for anyone in pain and use it to support your
determination to stop engaging in internal attacks.

ENVISION: Allow yourself to imagine what your life and you would
be like if judgment were never around. Feel the deep safety and
support of that, feel the aliveness that is present. Nourish
yourself with this feeling and know that this is what you are
creating in your life.

When you have successfully dis-engaged you can feel an energetic
shift. You feel strong, intact, in the moment and accepting of
yourself- you feel freer. I believe this are of work is one of
the most important in developing satisfaction in your business
and in your personal life. I have only skimmed the surface in
this short article. I invite you to attend a workshop or
teleclass that will develop your skill in working with this
issue.

If you live in the Miami area. The workshop will be Saturday,
February 26th , 10am-2pm. Click here for details.
http://www.enflyer.com/app/file_root/1828/EnFlyers/72058.html
For those not in the area I will be offering it as a teleclass.
A teleclass is a class conducted over the phone. I reserve a
bridge line which allows many people to call into the same
number. On this group call, I guide the students through the
material and exercises. Our teleclass will be limited to three
60-minute calls. The dates are: Wednesday, February 23rd at 8pm
EST Wednesday, March 2nd at 8pm EST Wednesday March 9th at 8pm
EST Click here for more details
http://www.enflyer.com/app/file_root/1828/EnFlyers/72058.html

“Feel the truth of what you are and at the same moment act. Risk
yourself for what you know is right and true.”

Fredrick Douglas, escaped slave from an Independence Day speech

There is little doubt that MySpace has taken the internet world by storm. The ability for members to make friends and displays their interest, hobbies and statistics (age, location etc.) has seen the site soar to one of the most popular websites on the internet.

It is suggested that the total number of MySpace members will soon be approaching 100 million; which is why it can be great fun to customize your own profile page to stand out from the crowd. You may have noticed from browsing friends profiles that many opt to display large images or videos on the page that take an age to load, so this may not be the best route to take to make an attractive looking profile.

I prefer to choose a nice light background with traditional black text, possibly adding a single video to the page. There are certainly some points to remember if you want to make your profile appealing to everyone. Consider that many members may still be using a dial-up internet connection, meaning that any large images or videos may take a long time to load. Also ask the opinion of your friends to gather feedback over what looks good on your profile page and what does not. The color of the background and the color of the text are often badly chosen. Some people find it hard to read white or red text on a black background, whereas some it difficult to read yellow writing on a white background. Choose carefully, as many MySpace users may be put off reading your profile if the page does not display well.

There are some great features that you can add to your page, including cursors, layouts, surveys, games and much more. You can even add music to your page, so that when someone visits your profile the music will play. You can literally spend hour after hour customizing your page!

MySpace is a great place to find friends with the same interests as yours, and you might choose to reflect this in your profile with pictures of your horse for example if you like horse riding or you with your basketball team if that’s what you like to do.

The site has also provided great promotion for many users, and has led to relative success for a number of musical artists. This is of course down to the large number of users that can be contacted.

One very important note to make is for young users to use caution when posting personal information and for parents to realize this. It’s an unfortunate reality that some people use such sites to stalk young users, so caution must be made to stop this immediately if it appears. This is not meant to be scaremongering, but instead to highlight the fact that it can be great to talk to friends and share your interests, but be cautious when sharing personal information with members you do not know.

Nevertheless, as highlighted earlier, your MySpace profile can be fun to customize and there are many ways that this can be done.

Why not customize your profile with MySpace cursors and MySpace backgrounds. They are two great ways to make your profile page stand out from the crowd!

“Inspiration does not beget action. Action begets inspiration.”
- Chinese Proverb

This proverb succinctly sums up the power of intention. Nothing
happens, nothing changes without intended action.

An intention can best be described as an aim guiding an action.
What you intend, what you truly focus your energy on, will in
some form be realized. The thought alone will not make the
intention come true–rather, the outcome will be influenced by
your desire combined with action steps, small or large. Clear,
achievable intentions lead to transformation.

When you are clear on your intentions, your expectations become
realistic and achievable. That leads to less disappointment and
more happiness. How many times have you found yourself wishing
you’d done things differently? That party you planned just
didn’t come off exactly as you’d hoped. Your presentation did
not have the desired effect. Your holiday was fun but it was not
all you had hoped it would be.

If you want things to turn out in your favor start becoming
more intentional. Here are three ways to support you to take
intended action.

1. Know What You Want

As Steven Covey says “start with the end in mind.” Whenever you
are about to embark on new adventure ask yourself what you want
it to look like. Get a clear picture in your mind. If you are
thinking about booking your next holiday visualize what you
truly desire…the location, the weather, the experience, the
connections with people and how you will spend your time. Ask
yourself, “What is my overall intention for this vacation.”

2. Take Action

Knowing what you want is only half the equation. You must strike
a plan to make it happen. If your intention is to have a
relaxing, sun-filled vacation with your family, you need to
share this vision with your family and take the desired steps to
make it a reality. It is important to list the actions items
that must take place. Then start checking them off, one by
one…with some help, of course.

3. Solicit Support

Whatever you’ve got planned for you and/or your family, make
sure you resist the urge to take on all the action steps
yourself. In fact, be intentional about not doing it all. If
your ideal family vacation has been imagined and the steps that
need to be taken to realize it listed, then now’s the time to
get the right support to execute your plan. Maybe you need a
travel agent, maybe your partner can research hotels, maybe the
kids can start packing their bags. The point is to share the
load and everyone becomes inspired and happier as a result.

Like many professions within the health sector, there is an obvious shortfall of social care professionals. A look through any national or regional newspaper informs us that there is an abnormal quantity of social work vacancies at local governments across the country. Indeed, the government launched a massive advertising and publicity campaign in 2004 to try and stimulate, to the tune of 45,000, new entrants to the social care profession. The Employers’ Organisation for Local Government (http://www.lg-employers.gov.uk) is still crying out for qualifies social care professional to take up positions in regions across the country.

So far these targets have failed to materialise and universities open proclaim the social care sector as being an open opportunity for interested students to pursue while specialist recruitment sites have emerged, joining the national recruitment agencies in trying to bridge the gap between supply and demand (http://www.rigsocialcare.co.uk, http://www.joslinrowe.com) . Whilst the universities have been successful in recruiting more applicants to social care courses, the 3 and 4 year gap between university and workplace means that agencies retain the shortfall in candidates for social care jobs.

Short term solutions to the problem are hard to find. The government requires a higher number of new recruits, but the university and college courses mean that the first batch of social care professionals entering the work place as a result of the initiative is at least 3 years away. In the meantime, the regional and national newspapers advertise in hope that someone can fill their social care jobs vacancies.

Resources:

http://www.lg-employers.gov.uk - The Employers’ Organisation for Local Government – body responsible for helping councils attain improved services

http://www.rigsocialcare.co.uk – RIG Social Care – Specialist social care recruitment agency

http://www.joslinrowe.com – Joslin Rowe – National recruitment agency covering numerous sectors

Author Bio:

Steven is an independent cultural commentator who contributes to a wide range of journals and magazines both online and offline

E-mail – steven@hamsterage.com

Phone – 0131 561 1791

Good communication is of fundamental importance in intimate
relationships. The ability to accurately differentiate between
the internal experiences of feeling, thought and sensation is
basic to this process.

The astonishing diversity of the English language allows many
opportunities for misunderstanding. One example of this lack of
precision is how the word “feel” can be used to express a number
of quite different internal experiences.

It can refer to emotion — “I feel upset about what just
happened.” It is often used colloquially to refer to a thought
or belief: “I feel that the world would be a better place if…”
It can also be used to refer to physical touch or bodily
sensation: “I feel feverish.” “This tabletop feels smooth.”

Since “feelings” are central in intimate relationships, it is
vital that we have a workable approach to speaking plainly, if we are to be understood by those who are important to us.

Fritz Perls, the founder of Gestalt Therapy, based his approach
to clear and accurate communication on precise reporting of
in-the-moment awareness. He believed that sharing one’s
present-tense awareness was the quickest route to self-knowledge
and true intimate communication.

He stated that all internal experience could be categorized as
arising from sensation, emotion, or thought. Clear communication requires that the person speaking about his experience accurately denote which category of information is being transmitted.

A way to practice these distinctions is to make statements
beginning with variations of one of three phrases: “I see…”; “I feel…”; or “I imagine…”. Perls called this exercise the Awareness Continuum.

“I see…” refers to information taken in by the senses — sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell. “I feel…” communicates internal states of emotion — anger, hurt, sadness, joy. “I imagine…” describes mental acts — thinking, believing, or imagining.

The person practicing the Awareness Continuum simply speaks aloud (or writes) his or her awareness of the moment-by-moment internal experiences that come to the forefront of conscious attention.

As an example of the Awareness Continuum, here is my current
internal experience as I am writing these words:

I see the computer monitor on which these words are appearing; I feel the computer keys under my fingertips; I hear the clicking sound as I type. (Sensory Awareness)

I’m enjoying the process of describing the awareness continuum; I’m happy it’s Friday afternoon; I’m worried that my son’s birthday card won’t reach him in time for his birthday. (Emotional Awareness)

I’m thinking about what to write next; I’m thinking that this writing needs to be particularly clear and understandable. (Awareness of Thoughts)

Although this exercise is artificial — we don’t usually speak
this way to our loved ones! — it is a useful way to practice
the skill of speaking about our internal experience with
precision.

In an intimate relationship accurate communication about emotions is of the utmost importance. We often make guesses about what our partner’s mood or emotional state is — based on observing minute non-verbal cues like a raised eyebrow, a certain look, a gesture or their tone of voice.

When these guesses are inaccurate (as they often are), elaborate
chains of misunderstanding may develop as our incorrect
inferences lead to responses which only amplify the confusion.

One way to sidestep this potential dilemma: when in doubt as to
what your partner’s mood or feeling is — ask! And hopefully,
they will share what’s going on with them so that it is
understandable and clear.

Experiment with the Awareness Continuum — use it as a template
to become more precise in your communication about your internal
experience. I think you will reap the benefits of having fewer
misunderstandings and more clear communication in your primary
relationships!

David Yarian, Ph.D. is the creator of The Guide to Self-Help
Books, http://www.Books4SelfHelp.com and co-author of Self-Help
Central, an ezine to help you build a better life with self-help
resources. He is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Certified
Sex Therapist in private practice in Nashville, TN. His professional website is http://www.DavidYarian.com.