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After analyzing over 17,000 Dutch men and women, researchers recently concluded that those who drank seven or more cups of coffee a day were half as likely to develop type 2 diabetes than those who drank two cups or less. The study was led by Rob van Dam while at the Dutch National Institute for Public Health and Environment in Bilthoven. Order another espresso for Mr. von Dam, please, while I finish my double cappuccino and expound on the array of knowledge learned from my bottomless-cup-of-coffee:

Good friendships are like good coffee; strong, stimulating, and addictive.

Coffee is a comfort food in nearly every culture. Therefore, travel the globe, drink espresso, and make international friends. Do your part for world peace.

Sleep is a side effect of caffeine deprivation. Drink coffee now.

Always tip generously at the coffee counter. They’ll remember you … it matters.

There is no morning without that first cup-of-joe.

Hot coffee and cold cream are good for you. My 100-year-old grandmother says so.

If you ask, “coffee, tea, or me?” be prepared for the response: “a double, skim, with extra foam.”

Decaffeinated teas and sodas may well have their merits, decaf coffee has none.

The glass half-empty or half-full question is ridiculous. Never drink coffee from a glass!

Lovers, desserts, coffee … indeed many things are better rich.

Given enough coffee, I conspire to rule the world.

Any romance begun in a coffee shop stands a chance of success; you are presumably both sober and the lighting is better than in a bar.

© Deb Voss Quail and Roxanne Vincent

About the Author

Deb Voss Quail and Roxanne Vincent are coffee buddies and business partners. Reach them via their web site at http://www.vvvinsights.com.

I have decided that every day you travel is an opportunity for humor. My recent travel experiences might be just what an aging comic needs to revive his career.

It started with arrival at the airport, where nobody was in communication with the other. The guy at door tells me I can’t check-in with him because I have the wrong ticket, so he sends me to line 3. Line 3 tells me that I can’t go there because it is for international passengers only. He tells me that the guy at the curb should have handled it. I explained that I was not going back to the door, so he proceeds to show me a phone that will do just as good. That was rather simple, but of course the woman at the other end asks me why I am talking to her, and I reply, “Because somebody told me to.” She replied, “You didn’t have to do that.”

After getting checked in, my 11 year old son and I were singled out by TSA as possible terrorists and got to do the pat down and wand between the legs routine in front of God and everybody in Tampa. They tried to explain to me that we were singled out randomly and I laughed. He then said, “Well, not that randomly.” I laughed harder, and he said, “Okay, you guys fit the profile.” I laughed harder thinking about my son in a Hawaiian shirt and me in my Thai silk shirt and what menacing characters we are.

Actually, we do fit the profile and have been singled out for special treatment for nearly every domestic flight that I can remember taking in the USA for the past four years. Here are a few of the known variables: foreign mailing address, tickets bought overseas, tickets for a domestic flight not associated with an international flight, one-way and hyper-discounted tickets.

Upon arriving in Atlanta, we were greeted with the reality that one bag arrived, and one bag did not. It just so happens that the bag that didn’t arrive was my son’s that had all the new school clothes that we had just purchased while visiting family. My bag would not have been nearly as devastating, because I can pick all of my things up in a hurry from online stores and the like. The son’s bag reflected 15 hours of shopping and much family annoyance. God knows I did not want to go through that all over again.

I spoke to three different guys named Dave, Jim and Peter in Bombay, India who promised me that I would see the bag again (Real names? You tell me.). They were not wrong. It finally appeared 36 hours after it was lost. It had been to Dallas, sat in the Atlanta airport for at least 15 hours, and finally boarded a late flight for Dothan, Alabama. My son will go to school with new clothes and I kept my sense of humor.

About the Author: Mike Stanton-Rich is “The Leisure Guy.” Armed with a Ph.D. in Leisure Studies and years studying stress and burnout, he writes regular articles and features about enhancing work and leisure. Catch his latest at: http://www.theleisureguy.com

Source: www.isnare.com

Have you ever heard the name Will Schwenk? Or the name Artie Seymour? Probably not. But you will, you will, when the word gets around about how these two inglorious talents were by-passed, how they missed being touched by the magic wand of Fate. For contrary to popular belief, the series of light operettas commonly attributed to Gilbert and Sullivan were in effect written by the pair of nonentities named above, Artie being the melodist and Will the versifier.

Gilbert had also dabbled in versifying; his cynical Bab Ballads had caused a minor stir a couple of years earlier, but the man had no real talent. Sullivan likewise had plunked out a few tunes on his clavichord, melodies, if one could call them that, on a qualitative par with “Chopsticks.” The consequence that Sullivan and Gilbert have always been credited with the fabrication of Ruddigore, Pinafore and a dozen other popular puerilities came about through a curious chain of circumstances.

Schwenk and Seymour were eking out a precarious living in Soho, London’s “Tin Pan Alley” of its day, writing ballads and comedy routines to be sung and performed in the sleazy music halls at that time ubiquitous in The City. One day the inseparable Gilbert and Sullivan, both gentlemen of quality-but also scoundrels, as will be seen-were slumming along Carnaby Street when through an open window they chanced to hear Seymour and Schwenk in the throes of composition. The two were concocting a humorous playlet supposedly set in Morning Court, with a parade of panderers, prostitutes, and their pettifogger-solicitors passing before the judge, singing and acting out their diverse woeful tales.

The eavesdroppers stood by, taking copious notes and committing a good earful to memory. They then retired to the Music Room of their club, and by dint of a few ingenious switcheroos and an abundance of gall, came up with their first opus, the well-known Trial by Jury. It was not mere coincidence that in this year of 1875 the element Gallium was discovered by the French chemist Lecoq de Boisbaudran.

No, scratch that-perhaps there was no connection between the two events. In attempting to set history straight, one is occasionally touched by mild paranoia.

It was extremely bad form for two well-dressed gentlemen to be seen loitering about Soho streets and alleys for hours on end, and it wasn’t until the invention of the microphone in 1877 that the two plagiarists were able to upgrade their method of filching Will’s and Artie’s dramatic themes and catchy music-hall melodies. Posing as a pair of itinerant quill-pen inspectors, they persuaded the gullible landlord of the Schwenk-Seymour flat to let them in while the two were absent. They quickly installed a “bugging” device (probably the first instance of Edison’s invention being put to such use), leading its wires to a nearby flat they had rented for just such an eventuality.

Will Schwenk and Artie Seymour continued to grind out clever satires, parodies, melodies and patter-songs for the insatiable but poorly-paying music-hall trade. A few yards away Sullivan and Gilbert listened intently, and then rewrote, revised and disguised the arduously-earned creations of the talented pair. H.M.S. Pinafore, The Pirates of Penzance, Patience, Iolanthe and Princess Ida followed one another in almost annual succession, elevating G and S to the pinochle of success, if one may be permitted a small witticism at this point.

It must be emphasized that although the Gilbert and Sullivan operettas were immensely popular and widely publicized among the middle and upper classes of society-even among the nobility-Schwenk and Seymour did not move in those genteel circles, nor did the raucous but appreciative audiences who patronized the various music halls and amusement centers where the latter’s compositions were being staged. In 1885 the game came close to discovery when a discerning critic, after a night of pub-crawling, remarked in his newspaper column on the similar melodic line in The Mikado’s “I’ve Got a Little List” and one of the ditties in Schwenk and Seymour’s Bums and Bangers. Fortunately-or unfortunately, depending on one’s sympathies-no budding Sherlock Holmes tracked the clue to its source.

Ah, Fame! Impresario Richard D’Oyly Carte was so enthused that he built a theatre, the Savoy, exclusively for the presentation of G-and-S operettas. Several companies of players traveled throughout the English-speaking world, and every performance was a sell-out. The works were easily translated into other languages; the plots were simple, the tunes hummable, and the patter-songs lent themselves readily to other tongues. On one signal date there were 148 Gilbert and Sullivan operettas being performed simultaneously (aside from time differences) in fourteen languages in theatres all around the world.

The money rolled in, augmenting the personal fortunes of the two cultural swindlers, but none of it trickled down to the actual fabricators of this immensely popular frothy pabulum, Seymour and Schwenk, who continued their daily efforts to make ends meet. Daily the results of their endeavors were siphoned off by G and S.

Ruddigore, Yeomen of the Guard, and The Gondoliers followed The Mikado, but by 1889 the two so-called gentlemen, now both wealthy and portly, had wearied of the years-long talent-embezzlement, and decided to desist. Gilbert turned his efforts to the construction of children’s mechanical toys, most notably the Erector Set. Sullivan wrote “The Lost Chord” and the dirgelike music to Sabine Baring-Gould’s hymn “Onward Hebrew Soldiers” (-Marching as to war/With the Star of David/Going on before, etc.), although Ms Baring-Gould, under strong pressure from the Church of England, was induced to revise the title and lyrics of the latter work.

Will Schwenk and Artie Seymour died in Obscurity, a small industrial town in the Midlands, never having discovered nor even suspected the thefts of their labors over that fifteen-year period.

* * * * *

Author’s Note: For the musical-knowledge-deprived, Sir William Schwenk Gilbert and Sir Arthur Seymour Sullivan were in fact the actual lyricist and composer, respectively, of the named operettas.

by David Koblick

You know me. I tell only the truth in my stories. (Mostly.) So maybe this once I told a big lie, just so I could tell an even better story that’s actually true (mostly.) Was it worth the sacrifice of my very soul? You decide.

Jim Ottea and I had been cruising through Colorado for several days, he on his Yamaha FJR, me on my BMW K1200LT. After almost two weeks on the road, the trip was nearly over, but the fun was not. As far as we’re concerned, it’s not over ’til it’s over. People have been hurt trying to prove us wrong.

We’d been laying our bikes down low enough to kiss the pavement up near Telluride, traveling from Silverton to a little town called Ouray (pronounced “OO-ray”) where the cutbacks are sweet and the drop-offs are steep. The roads were so fine we spent two days on them, staying more than one night in a nearby town so we could play on Highway 550 again and again.

Winding down into Ouray on our last day in the neighborhood, I rolled out of the final hairpin and pulled up next to Jim on a road-side pull-off, with Iron Butterfly’s In-A-Gada-Da-Vida blasting out of the speakers on the Beemer.

“How many times have you listened to that record?” Jim asked, possibly annoyed for having heard it blaring at the last 3 or 4 stops. (I’m also not sure he was completely comfortable with my wanting to play my ABBA CD whenever we’d pull up near Harley guys in their leathers and do-rags.)

“About seven,” I answered, “I just found it this morning in my CD case. Pretty nice stuff, huh? Ever hear this song?”

Jim snorted, and I continued, “The drum solo alone is good for 20 miles, even on these winding roads.” I cranked it up a little more for his listening enjoyment, just in time for the song’s big finish.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he winced, obviously jealous of my six-cd-changer. I shrugged, and we pulled back onto the highway and out of town, headed toward Gunnison and points east - the general direction of home, although neither of us wanted to face that ugly fact, not yet.

The next day we were on our way to raft the Royal Gorge, although we didn’t realize we were on our way to raft it, for conceptually, that adventure hadn’t yet occurred to us. We pulled into a little park where the Arkansas River storms past a wooden deck overlooking the water. On the platform stood a kid about 20 years old, snapping pictures of the white water rafters as they splashed along in the rapids below (to sell at outrageous prices when they returned to the rafting company’s headquarters.)

While Jim went back to his motorcycle, undoubtedly to see where he might be able to mount a six-cd-changer and 8-speaker sound system on an FJR, the young man and I chatted about his job and his cameras, about life in general and about nothing in particular,

“Hey,” the kid said to me, out of Jim’s hearing, “Anyone ever tell your friend he looks like a rock star?”

I leaned back against the railing, taking in the full warmth of the sun, and replied with nonchalance, “Funny you should mention that. Which one do you think he looks like?”

I already knew where I was going with this. I am the Bad Ted, and this was just too easy.

“Well, I’m not sure, but he looks familiar. He just looks like some rock star I might have seen somewhere.”

“Someone recently said he looks like Keith Richards,” I suggested. “You think?”

“Wow, yeah,” the kid agreed, animated now. “Hey,” he added, more hopeful than doubtful, “He’s not, is he? Keith Richards?”

“Nah,” I laughed. “But…” I drew it out as if I was hesitant to reveal A Really Big Secret, then relented.

“Ever heard of a band called Iron Butterfly?”

“Yeah…?” (”C’mon,” his eyes pleaded, “you’re going to tell me he’s someone really cool, aren’t you?! I KNEW it!”)

“Ever heard of a song called In-A-Gada-Da-Vida?”

“Yeah!”

“Jim played the drum solo on that song,” I confessed, with dramatic reluctance. “That’s Jim Ottea, man. That’s HIM!”

“No shit? WOW! Hey, I play drums, too.”

“Ask him for his autograph when he gets back, he’ll be glad to give it to you.”

About this time, Jim came strolling back along the wooden pier, and as he approached, I announced, “Jim, I told this guy you played the drum solo for Iron Butterfly on In-A-Gada-Da-Vida. Think he wants your autograph.”

We locked eyes. Jim gave me a look of disbelief — poor guy, he has a little trouble overcoming his own, deeply ingrained senses of honesty and justice and right.

“You gotta be kidding me,” his piercing eyes accused. “Nope, not kidding,” my conspiratorial wink replied, “You’re in on this, like it or not.”

“Sign an autograph for this guy,” I coaxed aloud, “He’s a drummer, too.”

Then I explained to the kid, “Jim’s embarrassed about that drum solo. Thinks it’s immature and childish, now. But believe me,” I assured him, “you can still learn a lot about rock ‘n roll drumming from that classic In-A-Gada-Da-Vida drum solo.”

I don’t know if that is true or not, I’m not a drummer — but to my credit, I thought perhaps it could be true when I said it.

“I can’t believe this,” Jim muttered. I don’t remember if he actually said it aloud or simply implied it with another piercing look of profound disappointment in me, but I was having none of that. The game was on, and it didn’t matter in any case — celebrities are known to be bashful and sometimes reticent. Jim’s acting squirrelly now could only enhance the charade.

The aspiring drummer produced paper and pen and even a clipboard, not believing his fine fortune on that happy day.

To his everlasting shame, Jim fell fully into the wicked spirit of the thing. His reluctance resolved quickly into alacrity. His eyes twinkling, Jim Ottea (Wow! the REAL Jim Ottea , it’s HIM, man!) graciously produced an autograph that could one day be worth hundreds, perhaps even thousands of dollars — if he ever actually does make something of himself.

Meanwhile, I grabbed the camera and captured the moment, while Jim, with bold hand and proud flourish, shamelessly autographed — HA! Get this:

Stick with it, kid.

Jimmy “Rotten” Ottea

Iron Butterfly

The two of them spent the next few minutes discussing the subtle differences between traditional drumming styles versus I don’t know what. I must say Jim held his own in the conversation, even though he hadn’t a clue what the hell this excited young fellow was jabbering on about. Mostly, “Jimmy Rotten” just nodded sagely and grunted in a manner befitting an accomplished professional. I was very proud of him in that moment.

And, of course, he offered the lad much encouragement. That’s important for young folks, and Jim is a caring sort.

Now, I should admit that before we left the scene, we told the kid the whole truth, explaining it was all intended as a harmless jest.

I should admit that, but I can’t, I won’t, we didn’t. We never confessed a thing. The way we saw it, why spoil a young dreamer’s big day, just to save our own miserable souls?

And now you know the truth about the lie. I swear.

Ted A. Thompson http://www.phfft.com

P.S. On our way home two days later, halfway across Kansas in 104 degree temperatures on the ungodly, flat, baking-hot, wearisome Interstate that cuts through the Midwest prairie, I pulled up next to Jim on my motorcycle, matching his speed at about 85 MPH.

I got his attention with my horn, grinned, and as he watched and wondered what I was up to, I put the Beemer on cruise control and pantomimed wild drumming motions with my arms, fists closed tightly around imaginary drumsticks.

It was a close call. Somehow Jim maintained control of his bike, but I almost lost my good friend to the evil Kansas asphalt.

Ted Thompson is a freelance writer living in Harrison, Arkansas

I hope Hollywood decides to make no more horror movies based on Japanese ones. They’re really boring and not the least bit scarey. Right now I’m thinking of ‘The Ring’ and the ‘The Grudge’ and I’ve seen ads for ‘Black Water’ which I absolutely will not see or rent in the future because I learned my lesson from those first two. Both of them I fell asleep watching. The Ring, I know, got some good reviews and it was really beautiful to look at but I didn’t like the characters and I didn’t understand what was happening most of the time. I wasn’t the least bit frightened because I didn’t care so much if bad things happened to these two dimensional characters and I didn’t quite get what was supposed to scare me, anyways.

The problem with Japan is that it’s not America. In college I got interested in Anime films because they were really beautiful and I loved the concept of using cartoons to tell a story, but again - and please tell me if I’m really just stupid - I didn’t get at all what was going on. Like in this one anime all the characters were really frantic about this glowing egg from which a magical dragon would pop out of and I knew it had to represent something - but what? I’m not Japanese. A glowing egg that a dragon pops out of is just a glowing egg that a dragon pops out of. That’s all. I don’t know what it means.

And what is the deal with Japanese school-girls? In all of these anime films there would be Japanese school-girls who would be represented as fully sexualized, eager and active. And the movies would let it be known that they were thirteen or fourteen. For a Westerner like me, it just seems more than a tad bit creepy. I know, in Japan they have vending machines that dispense used School-girl panties (Yes. True) And I also know that books about how to rub up against School-girls in the subway are best-sellers. It’s their culture and I should respect it and not make judgements … but, c’mon.

I rather enjoy some Japanese video games, but again, the weirdness just gets to me. One of the first games I played was called Zone of the Enders on Playstation 2. It’s what’s called a mech game, (ie) you control a giant fighting robot which you ride in, in this case the robot also flies. I was already familiar with this variety of game from watching the Power Rangers on TV, mainly because of the delightful Amy Jo Johnson AKA The Pink Power Ranger. My ten year old nephew was quite confused as to why she was my favorite power ranger. He’s older now and I presume he understands my preference.

In Zone of Enders you fly around in your giant robot, but the cockpit (so to speak) is at the top of a structure in the lower mid-section of the robot that bears more than a passing resemblance to a woody several stories high. Forgive me, but it just makes me uncomfortable playing a game from the tip of a huge robot penis. I don’t why. Maybe it’s just me.

Some Japanese video games I’ve enjoyed are Onimusha (the whole series) and ICO. They were so great because of the lovely worlds they created and if I never knew exactly what was going on, well, they were video games and I alway knew enough that if a monster attacks you then you fight it. The plots were just beyond me and I learned to stop asking myself why this or that was happening or who this person was and why they had wings. Here’s one I still don’t get: For some reason in Japanese video games chickens, of all things, seem to be set as the most terrifying monsters imaginable. The hugest Boss fights would be with gigantic, awful chickens. I’ve never been much scared of poultry, but it must reach deep into the dark depths of Japan’s psyche.

Time for a little cultural relativism. Is it possible that perhaps some things about Americans seem a little off to the Asian mindset? Perhaps they find some things about us ‘weird? Well, I’ve also played a few American video games where part of the plot of the game involved the elements of fire, water, earth, and air, like in Myst where you have to travel to worlds that represent each one, or any number of other games where you had to collect parts that represent the four elements and then put them together in some meaningful way.

It makes sense to me, but is the whole world as familiar with medieval European alchemy as we are in America? Probably not. Not everyone has the same background of myth as we do. Joseph Campbell didn’t design their video games and movies like he did for us, so if they’re a little backwards in that area, it’s probably his fault.

Sad to say, I think this lack of cultural understanding is a generational thing, too. A lot of entertainment product that they wee ones are getting are coming to us courtesy of our good neighbors in the Far East. Our kids are growing up with this stuff. They know it, and they like it, while dinosaurs like me - and maybe you, too - are perplexed and baffled. Ever have a kid try and teach you Yu-Gi-Oh? I have and I guarantee you that I’m not now, nor ever will be a skilled Yu-Gi-Oh player.

And one day when all these kids grow up, having been exposed to all these foreign Asian games, we’ll all seem like the weird ones to them.

Well, we probably already do.

I get a kick out of men’s jokes. I think there is possibly a kernel of truth to each one, even though I know they don’t apply to me . . . well, not everyone, anyway.

Here are my top 12 Men’s Jokes:

The rainbow coalition by Jesse Jackson is a silly notion indeed. First off what is the only color not in the rainbow? Black right, so what is the deal? How can we take someone seriously who does not even know which colors are in a Rainbow in the first place? Is Jesse Jackson just trying to get the 2% Homosexual Vote, by borrowing their 8% synergy in their movement?

Indeed the whole idea of a rainbow collation choosing a symbol to represent their group, which leaves out Black Americans or African Americans is simply un-American? What does Jesse Jackson have against blacks? Why is he such a racist to leave out blacks, knowing full well they are the only color not represented in his rainbow?

Now then Marians use to be depicted as Green, which are represented in the his rainbow, but now a days are also often depicted as Blue. Apparently Jesse Jackson for equal rights under law for Aliens, but not Black People or Hispanic Americans. Well at least he is pro-Space and Mars Colony spending above social programs.

What really bothers me is that Jesse Jackson must also hate Hispanic Americans, which are often represented as Brown, which is also not in the Rainbow. This is simply frightful and tells us either Jesse Jackson flunked out of Kindergarten or he is pro-Gay and Lesbian as long as they are white and hates Blacks and Hispanics.

We should never consider anyone for public office who hates any race, especially minorities. The Rainbow Coalition and Jesse Jackson ought to be ashamed of themselves for trampling the under privileged who have every right to loot for free TV sets after any uprising, whether it be man-made, media driven or from Mother Nature. Why is Jesse Jackson’s group so adamant about leaving out the Hispanic and Black Americans from the symbol, which represents his group? Is he trying to cater to only those who are colorblind using trickery tactics?

“Lance Winslow” - Online Think Tank forum board. If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs/

Supermarkets are the greatest places to people-watch, especially while standing in line waiting to pay for your groceries. I’ve observed some anthropological phenomenon that may surprise you. The most interesting being…are you ready…the difference among women, men, and guys with nasal drip.

With spring weather comes colds, and allergies, which are accompanied with a watery discharge often called a runny nose. How people deal with that makes for amusing observation. While standing in line, which I often do, I watched three types of Homo sapiens in various stages of nose blowing. This is what I observed:

Women: When a woman has a runny nose she discreetly removes a clean, pressed handkerchief from her purse, quietly blows her nose so as not to draw attention to her situation, and replaces the “hanky” back inside her purse.

Men: When a man has a runny nose he pulls a wad of tissue out of his back pocket and blows into it, sounding like a honking gander during mating season. He proceeds to tuck the soggy Kleenex back into the recesses of his jeans pocket where it will stay buried until his wife has to do the laundry. At which time, said piece of tissue turns all the dark clothes and black socks into an unrecognizable pile of lint.

Guys: When a guy has nasal drip he keeps it simple. One of two things happens; he lets his nose drip or he wipes his nose on his sleeve.

Be observant as you do an anthropological hunt through the grocery store observing the habits of Homo sapiens. It’s more fun than Disney World.

Copyright © 2006 by Pamela Beers. All rights reserved.

Pamela is a freelance writer who enjoys making people laugh.

http://www.pamelabeers.com

As people hustle and bustle about trying to get those last
minute gift ideas ready before the big day hits, spending is
up and sales run rampant, as marketers get ready for that
special time of year. Yes, Christmas time is here again, and
every marketer drifts off to slumber with thoughts of dollar
signs running through their heads. Almost everyone wants to
increase their sales, do better than last holiday season, or
do some last minute power selling to boost this year’s sales
numbers. But what about the shoestring mom and pop companies
operating on limited budgets? How are they to compete with
the marketing gargantuan and their never-ending deep-flowing
coffers of cash? You might not believe it, but there are
closer and less expensive means to compete, and you could
find that most of the gargantuan don’t even take advantage
of them, especially if you offer goods or services limited
to a geographical area.

Does the Consumer Know your Products or Services can be
Classified as a Gift?

So, you lack the large marketing budget for radio and TV
commercials, and running additional print ads are out of the
budget too, what can you do to increase your sales while
getting your company in the minds of the consumer? The first
thing I would ask you is if you have changed your ads around
to take advantage of the giving approach. It is the season
of giving isn’t it? Then how have you changed your ads to
reflect the happiness of receiving your goods or services as
a gift? Have you even bothered to give the consumer the idea
that your goods or services CAN be given as a gift? If you
haven’t, then maybe they’ve never thought of giving your
goods or services as a gift, or that anyone could even be
happy receiving them as a gift either. If the consumer
doesn’t perceive your goods or products as a potential
“gift”, then you are going to loose out on holiday sales.
Around this time of year, most people are in “gift buying”
mode. The more you can get your goods or services perceived
as a potential “gift”, the better chances you will elevate
your sales during this giving season.

Differentiating Yourself from the Competition - Impulse
Sales, Up-Sells, Back-End Sales and Other Promotions.

Now you’ve altered your ad copy to reflect your products or
services as gifts, what benefits do you offer over your
competitors? Almost every business is running some sort of
special or discount as an enticement for shoppers to buy.
Are you doing the same? At this stage of the seasonal game,
anything you can do to set yourself apart from the
competition is going to be beneficial to your goals of
increased holiday sales. Just don’t be too greedy. Find a
happy medium of sales discount that will still provide
comparable profit cushion to what you usually enjoy during
the normal sales season. Look for creative ways to encourage
the impulse sales along with up-sells and back-end sales
promotions. Say for instance, you are going to offer a
coffee maker in your sales. You could discount coffee and
maybe offer free filters with a purchase. Take a close look
at how your products or services relate to one another, and
then offer freebies and discounts on other products or
services that compliment your sales item. All of these areas
will help you enjoy increased sales during the holiday
season.

Testimonials - Letting Past Customers Tell Others About your
Goods or Services.

Do you have customer testimonials about your goods or
services? Maybe you have testimonials about your sales or
service. These are additional tools to pull out of your
marketing arsenal, especially during this time of year. The
best ones are the ones that talk about how happy they were
when receiving your goods or services as a gift, or how
someone felt giving your goods or services as gifts, but any
others that show those goods or services in a positive way
will work. The non-solicited type of testimonial works the
best, but again, any testimonial from a previous customer to
show potential customers your goods or services values will
work. Keep these testimonials handy for sales presentations,
or you can put them out on display in your shop. Always be
sure to ask the writer’s permission before showing their
written works. Believe it or not, those are copyrighted
works owned by your customers. Although any customer suing
you over using them is less than likely, it’s always, better
to be safe than sorry.

Gaining Consumer Awareness the Economical Way - College
Campus Community Boards.

Now that you have your ad copy tweaked, and you’ve planned
your up-sells, back-end sales, and impulse buys, what are
the economical ways of gaining market share? There are many
ways to get creative here. Do you live in an area where
there is a local college? Colleges are known for their
information boards. You’ll find them around eating areas,
campus office areas, and in many dorm areas. This is a no
cost way to promote and market your company to the younger
crowd looking for gifts on this holiday of gift giving. If
you can find ways to convey the value your goods or services
can offer to their friends and loved ones and the happiness
those friends or loved ones would feel from receiving your
products or services as a gift, then you will reap increased
sales from that market. You’ll find the gargantuan
competition fairly limited in this advertisement medium.
It’s a chance for you to target your sales without competing
with the deep pockets and over-flowing coffers the
gargantuan has.

Grocery Store and Other Community Boards.

What about your local grocery store? EVERYONE has to eat
don’t they? Most of them have community boards where they
allow you to post index card sized ads. Prepare a few
attention getting index cards before you make your normal
store run. On your way out of your grocery store, take a few
moments to post your ad. If you have more than one grocery
store chain in your area, then you might consider spending
some additional time visiting the others too. You could
justify the time spent by shopping around and doing some
price comparisons between the other chains and your favorite
store. Not only could you gain increased holiday sales, but
you might also find a more economical grocery store for your
grocery needs. Be creative, honest, and sincere, and you
will enjoy increased sales through your marketing efforts.

However, it doesn’t just stop at grocery stores. Think of
the number of places you shop for your needs. How many
others have the same type of board available to their
customers? Every one of those boards is a potential gold
mine for cheap marketing needs. And with all the shopping
I’m sure you will be doing this giving season, I’ll bet
you’ll find that more places have these boards than what you
initially considered. While fulfilling your gift giving
requirements, take the time to visit shops you’ve never set
foot in. If they don’t have a board, you might get an idea
for another marketing type you can apply to your own
business. Keep your eyes and mind open. Look at the sales
while you shop, the ads, and the displays. Think of the
reasoning those marketers used when putting it all together
and see if you can’t find new and creative ways to market
your own goods or services.

Ad Material Swap with Other Local Businesses.

Christmas is a giving time of year. It’s a time to get
together, closeness, and doing things for people you might
not usually do. Everyone knows someone who runs a business.
Why not swap ad material and promote each other? Granted, if
the person is a direct competitor, this might not be so
easily done, and maybe you shouldn’t do it to begin with. If
the businesses are at different ends of the spectrum, say
one sells firewood and the other sells ice, then it might
not be so affective, but if this person runs a business that
somewhat compliments your own, then the payoff for both
businesses could be substantial. One of my brother’s runs a
Mobile DJ business. He used to team up with local caterers,
bridal shops, tuxedo rental shops, stationary shops, and the
list goes on. How many business owners do you know with
shops that compliment your own goods or services while not
directly in competition with you? It’s a win-win situation
for everyone involved. It even benefits the customers with
the names and addresses of other shops to meet their needs.
Your customers will thank you for your information to help
them meet their needs, and best of all, it requires little
effort especially if you know the other shop owner
personally.

The Joint Venture.

This next one might take some time to put together and it
relates to the swap mentioned in the last paragraph, so you
might keep this in mind for next season. Joint Ventures are
the next big marketing craze. Most often referred to as
JV’s, this is similar to the swap, but it’s usually more
permanent and better-targeted marketing. The joint venture
concept means taking a look at your products or services,
and then identifying other businesses that compliment those
products or services and entering into joint marketing
ventures. It’s kind of like a cooperative advertising type
deal that allows you to pool resources, but it’s not just
for placing ads as an ad cooperative is. The JV is used to
leverage sales for ALL businesses involved, but the most
critical point is ensuring that your JV partners businesses
COMPLIMENT your goods or services; NOT COMPETE with them.

Take my company for instance, Sanders Consultation Group
Plus. I do business consultation, digital and print media
marketing, web site design, image/graphic creation and
editing, search engine optimization and placement, and just
about anything related to business operations and marketing.
My oldest brother runs his own computer shop where he does
computer custom builds, repairs, upgrades, virus removal and
data recovery, and even offers on site computer services.
Big brother knows what I do and knows I like doing it. He
also knows I’m good, although he is probably biased as he is
my brother . Big brother decided he wanted to offer
his customers the things I provide, and asked me if I would
be willing to JV with him to offer his customers my
services. Big brother is good, and he has a stable and
growing customer base. I jumped at the opportunity because
it was a sound business opportunity. His customer base
includes local small businesses. That alone increases my
potential for new web site design and business consultation
sales. It’s a win-win situation. My brother’s customers can
get all their services under one roof, and so can mine. If I
have a customer looking for computer related services, then
I send them off to my brother. If he has a customer needing
web site design or marketing, then he sends them off to me.
We save the customer time and they get a discount on the
other brother’s services.

The concept doesn’t stop at relative business owners. We
both have a relationship with a local ISP. I’ve come to the
conclusion that there is money to be made in home based
business opportunities, since I do run one myself, and so
does my big brother. The home based business sector is
growing in leaps and bounds. Almost everyone has looked into
starting his or her own business at one time or another.
There’s too many people unhappy with their jobs. But with
all the information readily available on home based business
opportunities, there’s allot of frauds out there taking
people’s money and offering nothing of real substance in
return. What’s a way to help people realize their
self-employment dreams while decreasing the danger they will
be ripped off? Offer a FREE seminar on starting your own
home based business. That is my present JV with my big
brother and our local ISP. How do our companies benefit? We
benefit by getting out there in the minds of our local
potential customers. Start-up businesses need things like
computers, web site hosting, dial up accounts, and web site
design. By giving them this seminar to show them the
different types of home based businesses, how to find a
reputable business, and how to keep from getting ripped off
in the process, we gain a pool of potential customers to
market our products to. In giving them this information
freely and keeping them from being ripped off, who do you
think they are going to come to when they need hosting and
dial up, computers and computer services, or web site design
and marketing needs? Are you getting the picture of the
power behind JV opportunities?

Summary

This is not an all-inclusive article. There are many more
ways to leverage your holiday sales goals while spending
economically. Use this article to inspire you and get your
mind turning. Use the principles provided and see how many
other ideas you can come up with. Be creative, honest, and
set yourself apart from the competition. Show them the
benefit of using your goods or services as a gift. If you
can accomplish that task, then you will assuredly benefit
from increased sales this holiday season. Now hurry up and
get going. You only have a few more days until the big day
hits. Until next article, may your holiday season be blessed
with joy and success, and may 2005 be an even better year
for all.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

James R. Sanders is the owner of Sanders Consultation Group Plus. He has been a webmaster and web site designer since 1997, and involved in self-employment ventures since 1992. He is presently a contributing author of NewbieHangout, and has been published through WebProNews. You can email him at webmaster@sanders-consultation-group-plus.com.

Copyright 2004 by Theolonius McTavish. All rights reserved.

LESSON FROM HUNDRED ACRE WOOD
– Or, wabbit hunting is for wimps –

Some say that the world is being overrun by far too many rabbits — Oswald the Rabbit, Roger the Rabbit, Bugs Bunny not to mention all manner of wretched little Easter Bunnies. If that’s so, then “wabbit hunting” is sure to become a growth opportunity for outfitters, guides, and taxidermists or for those catering to the Saturday morning cartoon-rerun crowd.

On the other hand, some suggest that it requires neither courage nor skill to outwit a bouncy, four-legged, floppy-eared thing with a twitchy pink nose. They hold the popular view that the only reason these critters exist is to keep wimpy warriors safe if not sound and give the wicked wenches something to cook besides tasteless toads.

Those with the “right stuff” know that the “real action” in life comes from slaying dragons, mashing monsters or trouncing trolls. For a change of pace, there’s always the chance of saving the odd damsel-in-distress or two, just to keep a fellow feeling needed on his day off.

As fate would have it however, “real men” have done such a bang up job of eradicating the big brutes over the past few centuries, there’s precious little to tick off on their “to do” lists. No more tales to impress long-lost lovers. No more battering rams to strike fear into the hearts of those wanting to grab a guy’s favorite parking spot.

Diversions such as a daring game of snakes and ladders, extreme-tiddlywinks and no-holds-barred croquet simply won’t cut it any longer. And, with no dragons, monsters or trolls around to hunt, clearly something had to be done before the fickle finger of fate intervened.

The possibility that the woosies, or heaven forbid the thought that the wenches might take over and — put an end to hunting, close the pleasure palaces, not to mention declare peace in the Garden of Eden — obviously did not sit too well with the macho-merengue types. This scenario was not an option! So, there wasn’t a moment to lose if a hunky dory outcome was to be engineered!

That’s why “The Academy of Arcane Stuff & Tricky Things” stepped in to offer a silver-tongued solution to this perplexing problem. Needless to say, after much consolation, consultation, and a few stiff drinks…the ivory-tower icons got together with several baron-of-beef business buddies and a couple of pleased-as-punch politicians who all agreed on one thing — the need for a plan.

This was a tall order however since the gurus had only ever prepared “pomp and circumstance” pieces of piffle. Would they be able to produce anything but the usual five-inch-thick, two-volume, color-coordinated, bound-set of embossed tomes typically found languishing on bookshelves propping up the dust bunnies? This time, a miracle was in order. Nothing less than a “Master-Plan” with a “pithy purpose, pliable priorities, and oodles of prizes” would do thank you.

So, after forty days of paripatectic pondering in the seclusion of the “Hundred Acre Wood”, (including 960 hours of going around in little circles, and 39 nights of counting sheep), they came up with a ground-breaking, politically-incorrect ‘man-power’ strategy (affectionately known as “PLAN-B”).

Although the stupendous plan was woefully short on details, at least the election of an awe-inspiring ‘Grand Pooh-Bah of Everything Important in the Universe’ was hailed as a neat way to boost the flagging morale of the lads. On second thought, it might also have had something to do with giving the bureaucrats plenty of time to sharpen their pencils, or just an excuse to haggle over the best bang-for-the-buck on how to save the world from the scourge of wimps and wusses.

If the devil is in the details, then they surely must have been lost forever in the small print of all this blessed bumpf. And for those who missed out on the “Grand Thoughts About Nothing Summit of Great Minds”, there’s still time to sign up for courses like “Where to Find the Best Haycorns”, “Useful Pots to Keep Things In”, and “Knowledge Management for Bears of Very Little Brain”.

After all, who in their right mind could refuse a mispelled engraved invitation to a seminar on “Hunny-Making Tips”, a CD sampler of “Popular Hip-Hop Hums” not to mention a “smackeral of something” around 11 o’clock, plus a client feedback form covered with those ubiquitous smiley faces, and an autographed personal copy of “PLAN-B”?

No doubt prozac-popping Poohs, materialistically-challenged Rabbits, anxiety-disordered Piglets, donky-depressive Eeyores, hyper-active Tiggers, brilliant but dyslexic Owls, single-parenting Kangas with at-risk Roos and detached-personality Christopher Robins will find these amusing activities just a tad taxing on their simple cerebellums.

By the way, play-with-your-food fanatics, petting zoo herbivores, and wee wabbit workers should definitely consider a career change. According to PLAN B, “Our mighty man-power strategy guarantees a marvellous, bright, new future for MANkind, especially those who pursue a challenging eco-adventure career in the emerging field of heffalump and woozle hunting.” …Oh won’t that be fun tiddley pom! …Another gold star tiddley pom. …Ho hum tiddley pom.

LESSON FROM HUNDRED ACRE WOOD: If one whistles long enough while digging a Deep Pit to trap a heffalump or one wanders aimlessly in the wilderness with a pot of honey to catch a woozle, one’s definition of these elusive critters will vary with the weather, one’s appetite, and the volatility of the Animal Kingdom Happiness Index (AKHI).

About the Author

Theolonius McTavish, itinerant scribe in the palace of the esteemed “Quipping Queen” (www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com), and one whose eclectic interests include how to build “The Good Ship Lollipop”, biodegradable hexagons, and “Sleep Country” mattresses