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Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

YO THERE QUIPPING QUEEN!

Or, who is that entourage of questionable quirky characters anyway?

By: Adrian Air-of-Sleet, Personal Secretary and Royal Biographer to Her Royal Majesty, Victoria Elizabeth, Quipping Queen and Empress of Eccentricity who is responsible for overseeing the day-to-day-affairs of state involving members of her eager-beaver entourage not to mention all the loyal lollygaggers puttering about in the Queendom of Quirks, Quidnuncs & Quagmires (situated in the little known but well-appointed “Pith n Vinegar Palace” on Dallas Road in beautiful downtown Victoria, British Columbia, Canada)

Much has been said about the Quipping Queen. A spate of bad press lately, (about the odd habits of the merry-making monarch), has led to a good deal of speculation about her state of mind.

To nip the nasty non compos mentis natterings in the bud, the Quipping Queen has asked me to set the record straight.

First, let me assure you that Her Royal Highness is of sound mind, body and spirit! Her only regret is that her loyal subjects often lack opportunities to tickle their funnybones, open Pandora’s box to see what’s inside, or crayon outside the lines in their coloring books.

Second, since she is in possession of her marbles, she has come up with a playful solution to a perplexing problem - the precipitous decline of fun and frolic in the Land of Quibbles and Querilulous Things Going-On or Running Amok.

To stem the flood of feisty complaints to her gates, she has come up with a plan dedicated to improving wit and wisdom in the Queendom. This plan known affectionately as “PUCK-UP”, will begin by putting an end to all “do-this-do-that” games in the royal realm, and then encouraging her seriously smile-impaired subjects to play cooperatively in “Sand Circles”.

It is hoped that the new learning centers will foster appreciation of the sands of time, assist participants to build sandcastles in the air effectively, and to understand the ancient philosophical notion that, “going around in circles is what life is all about”.

In response to a myriad of questions from journalists as to who will be responsible for leading this cutting-edge project, a spokesperson for the Ripsnorting Royal Court of the Quipping Queen, responded with alacrity, ardor and artistry.

He stated that this exemplary initiative would be undertaken by an assortment of incredibly clueless if not cockamamie characters who have volunteered to act as “Champions” and “facilitators” for this entertaining social-consciousness engagement.

The list of leading learned lights includes:

Arch-Duke of A-Very-Good-Time-Was-Had-By-All (Need we say more!)

Baron of Bunkum (The best source for dross and drivel in the queendom!)

Baroness of Baubles Bangles & Beads (She coordinates accessories for every occasion …especially those sparkly sequined spandex yoga outfits!)

Butler of Biscuits & Bottles (Known for his fine selection of premium-brand kibbles, nipples and vittles)

Count Can’t-You-See-I’m-Busy-Right-Now (His “to-do” list is a tad longer than the average dance card or grocery list)

Countess of Catnaps (Not known as a “snooze alarmist”, she is a welcome guest at every long and boring cocktail party)

Dame Do-You-Know-What-Time-It-Is? (A renowned Clockwatercher!)

Duke of Doorknobs (Applauded for his lively impression of a pet rock!)

Duchess of Dither (The Diva of Damsels-in-Distress)

Footman of Fetish Wear (Tan shoes and pink shoe laces are not his thing)

Grand Duke of Garter Belts, Glass Slippers & G-Strings (A gift-of-the-gab sort who operates exceptionally well “in a tight pinch”, “under-cover”, and “behind closed-doors”)

Groomsman of Grouses, Grouches, Grumps & Growing Pains (A great smile and stroke personality whose silver-tongue and silver spurs keep everyone in line — including cowboys who don’t know when to stop talking about the size of their spread)

Knight of The Testy Turntable (Operator of the 33 1/3 and 78 RPM minstrel music machine …known to have a mind of its own!)

Knight of It-Seemed-Like-A-Good-Idea-At-The-Time (A terrific connect-the-dots, fill-in-the-blanks and paint-by-numbers problem-solver)

Knight of Knock-Kneed Knickers (He has the finest selection of briefs, boxers, and BVDs for anatomically-challenged carpet knights of the realm!)

Knight of I’m-Sure-It-Was-There-Yesterday (A marvellous speciman of a memory-gene gone missing!)

Knight of When-Will-We-Get-There? (Note: There’s one of these in every band of merry men in search of Maid Marion, the Holy Grail and some bloke called “BOB”!)

Lord Leaping to Conclusions (Long jumps are definitely his speciality!)

Lady Looby-Loo (A wonderful water-closet waif if ever there was one!)

Lady-In-Waiting-of-Giggle Gear (No …she doesn’t own a dunce cap, but thank you for asking)

Prince Jeepers-Creepers I (Nothing gets past this lad!)

Prince Jolly-Bean II (He puts all those ordinary Mexican jumping beans to shame!)

Prince Jolly-Jodpurs V (The happy-go-lucky sort who adores riding a cockhorse to Banbury Cross just to test-drive his turbo-charged breeches)

Prince Jolly-Jump-Up IV (A truly clean, keen, yes-madame machine!)

Princess Jelly-Bean III (A jaunty jelly-belly aerobics instructor)

Princess Jiggle-Pot III (A scantily-clad sylph with fantastic fundraising capabilities)

Princess Jot-It-Down II (Not-your-average pencil-pushing pen-pal)

Sir Snuff & Such (Responsible for sniffing out stuff and nonsense in the nick of time)

Sir Harold Prickmedainty (Responsible for “Minor Medical Miracles” and sweeping the occasional medical malpractice suit under the table)

Valet I (A well-known “hanger-on” who supplies garb for gargoyles and gals plus celebrity-approved “Valiant & Vixen Togs for Titillating Types”)

Valet II (A Professional Putz who polishes booties and brogues for “Beautiful People”)

Viscount Don Juan Valentine (Responsible for drafting the Queen’s annual gushy greeting entitled, “Tips on How to Gird-Your-Loins Safely & Securily”, in order to allay concerns among all her romantically-inclined subjects, their squeamish parents not to mention a large constituency of early childhood educators, public health nurses, and pharmacists on the occasion of Cupid’s Visit to the realm every February 14th)

With all these robust if not ridiculous resources available, there is no doubt that the project will be an unbelievably huge success!

If not, Her Majesty, (Chief Executive officer, Chief Financial Officer, Chief Operating Officer and Grand Poobess of the Whole Shebang in the Queendom of Quirks, Quidnuncs and Quagmires), will simply hire some well-compensated consultants and self-promoting spin-doctors. Their task will be to revise the final, feel-good “Project Evaluation Report”, (to reflect a healthy, hokey, happily-ever-after story naturally.)

And last but not least, rest assured, the Queen will always find another worthy project to keep her courtiers contented and her subjects in a sportive frame of mind so they will not toss hanging flower pots about in the “City of Gardens”, nor frighten the horses pulling the tourist-trap carriages around town, and refrain from sticking ooey-gooey wads of bubble gum on the leather seats of the environmentally-friendly pedi-cabs blocking traffic in the downtown streets!

Hail the Queen of Quixotic Quandaries! May she, her ludicrous court, and her loopy subjects all enjoy much health, wealth and happiness! And as they say here, “When in doubt, chortle and chug-a-lug, ’cause tomorrow’s another day!”

About the Author

Adrian Air-of-Sleet, (when he’s not busy unlocking doors to royal closets in order to let the skeltons out), can be found fidgeting and quibbling over who has the best recipe for making crumpets in the Court of the Quipping Queen

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About the Author

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“Too Much Stuff” Syndrome or
How Decorating and Organizing Can Help
Your Sanity
by Lisa DeClue

This area of home life is different from others in that it involves all the senses and to that degree it is successful, engendering varying emotions. Decorating isn’t really a hobby, nor is it merely an activity; it’s a driving force of many people to live in comfortable and pleasing surroundings while they regenerate from a stressful world.

Yet, decorating by itself is not nearly as completely satisfying as having an organized home that is rich in beautiful detail. Decorating and organizing go hand-in-hand, like a one-two punch of home completion.

In an effort to motivate you to action, use these suggestions to help you on your way to an organized home this spring and summer.

Paper Clutter
1.If you’re like my dear Mother and you still have newspapers from 1978 because you haven’t read them all: Don’t walk, RUN to the sanitation department and rent an industrial sized dumpster to leave in your driveway for a week.
2.I’m giving you permission to touch your incoming mail and papers more than once - only if the second “touching” is on the way to the dumpster.
3.You know that pile of “things to file” that keeps growing? Guess what - dump that too. You can always print off another copy or send away for the info. over the Internet. (This, coming from the daughter of a paper monster…)

Clothing
Twice a year, my mom would make me try on clothes for the upcoming season. She would invariably choose cold mornings to try on summer things and the hottest day on record to slip into woolens and flannels… (If your kids give you flack for trying on clothes in the comfort of air conditioning, you may use this as your own example.) If you haven’t worn something in the time it took you to have your second child, it’s probably not worth hanging on to (unless, of course, the dumpster is full).

Use a great tip I just discovered: Pick three nights a week to try on 5 items in your closet, then go to your dressers and do the same thing. At this rate, the average American woman should be able to go through all her clothes in about 3 years, 9 months and 14 days. No need to worry, it’ll be a different season then!

Kids’ Toys
1.You could try to “limit” the number of toys they play with each month and cycle them to and from the garage so your little ones get variety.
2.That takes too much effort. I just threatened my boys if they left toys out on their floor at bedtime, they would be in the dumpster the next day (the toys, silly!). Do this twice, and you’ll have this hot spot under control.

I hope these points have given you some new ways to look at the problem of clutter and refreshing methods to deal with them. Given the fun you’ll have with that dumpster, you might want to consider renting a second one for the hubby’s stuff.

I’ll tell you what. If you really do rent a dumpster (okay, it can be the smaller version) I’ll have a reward for your diligence. Ladies - Email me that you filled your dumpster to the very tippy top and something funny that happened during the process. I’ll send you a coupon for a discount on a Fragrance Lamp that will fill your home with lovely aromas. Gentlemen - Email me the same (that is, that you actually rented the thing and filled it, and an amusing related story) and I will send you a Gift Certificate for your wife. Such a deal!

About the Author

Lisa DeClue is a WAHM and really does love her Mother. She owns Decorating with HGPgal, a website that incorporates interior and garden/patio decorating resources, articles, tips and a monthly newsletter in addition to a unique business opportunity. Subscribe to the newsletter at http://HGPgal.com/newsletter.html and be entered into the monthly prize drawing.
“Making A Difference One Person & One Home At A Time”

1. Anticipate any objections your visitors may have
about your product offer. You must research your
target audience’s needs and wants.

2. Remember not to use outrageous or unbelievable
claims in your ad copy. People are too savvy online
and won’t believe you.

3. Pick a good name for your business and product.
Your names should be memorable and describe the
kind of product your offering.

4. Solve your customer complaints by being quick
and friendly. The faster you respond, the more your
customers feel you care about them.

5. Never think your customers are satisfied with
their purchase. You should be constantly finding
new ways to better your product and service.

6. Market yourself, as well as your product. You
could write articles, ebooks, do free consulting,
do speaking engagements, etc.

7. Find new target audiences for your products or
services. For example, if you’re selling coffee to
stores try to also sell it to coffee shops.

8. Use the phrase “invest in our product” instead of
the words buy or purchase. This makes prospects
feel they’re investing in their future if they buy.

9. Create offline affiliates to market your product.
Have people sign up at your web site to sell your
products through “house parties”.

10. Use logos and slogans for your business. They
make it easier for people to remember and identify
your business.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Robert Kleine is the owner and webmaster of many online businesses:
http://www.opportunityknoxx.com
http://www.computer-information-resource.com http://www.yur-insurance.com and many more.

Chamonix is a prestigious location with the towering Mont Blanc and majestic glaciers. All of us love to go bouldering or sometimes eating out. I normally travel from Toledo and stay at a Chamonix luxury chalet during my break.

We used to visited Millennium Hilton Bangkok but it never matched its description: This Millennium Hilton Hotel features 543 rooms, is located on the banks of the Chao Phraya River, and is approximately 19 miles from Bangkok International Airport. Local attractions include the Grand Palace, and the Temple of Dawn, both located less than one mile from the property.Hotel amenities include an ATM, barber shop, shops, elevators, florist, currency exchange, activity desk, laundry services, local area shuttles, multilingual staff, newsstand, room service, safe deposit boxes, business center, business services, fitness center, swimming pool, babysitting services, four restaurants, and three bars.

However in Chamonix ski resort the lodge is nearly always fine. As well dining in our groups number one restaurant, El Vaquero Restaurant, enjoying raspberry ribbons is a pleasure. Chamonix is a big enough place to guarantee that there is plenty for the skier to do. Amongst other things it includes a casino and a strip of bars, Chamonix offers a mix of snowboarding, French alpine charm and shopping which not many resorts can beat.

The Hotel Al Vivit is a venetian-style building situated in the renowned Piazza Ferretto since 1911. The Hotel has bright rooms providing all comforts and furnished with accuracy by the direction, that takes constantly care of the management. The accuracy of all the details and services characterize our house, which is a landmark for a comfortable stay.

Hotel Al Vivit offers exclusive rooms that are separated for smoking and non-smoking guests.

The hotel provides the following services:

How to Write Articles for Promotion & Profit

Want another great idea on how to market your business for FREE? Write articles. This powerful method actually works online and off. You can write articles in your area of expertise and submit them to local newspapers as well as trade magazines or newsletters that are read by your target market. Online, you can submit your articles to a variety of directories.

Suppose you are a coach and want to work with people in the financial field. Accountants, bankers, financial advisors all belong to associations that produce member newsletters. Additionally these professions have trade magazines. An article that demonstrates how a coach can help build an accountant’s practice or bring balance to the life of an overworked banker would be perfect for these markets.

What Are the Main Benefits?

1.Build credibilitywhich builds trust and people buy from those they trust.
2.Increase trafficthousands will be reading your articles and visiting your site.
3.Create linkstrading with others for their articles.
4.Establish expertiseyou’ll become known in your field.

How Do You Write a Winning Article?

1.Choose a title that grabs attentionsince you have about five seconds to hold your audience, make sure your title clearly spells out the benefits to the reader with impact!
2.Focus your topic on your narrowly niched market, as in the example of people who work in the financial industry. This way you can write specifically to address their problems and offer your products and services as the best solution.
3.Keep the tone friendly, yet stay on track. Present the problem, offer the solution, present the benefits of using someone like you. Offer practical tips the reader can implement immediately. Show them how to take the next step by using a real life example. Finish up with a call to action.
4.Have a resource box after your article with your name, contact information and an irresistible offer, such as a free report or consultation. Because you’re using an article for promotion, the ultimate goal is to have the reader click on your Web site link and eventually buy something from you.

Where Do You Submit Your Articles?

1.With articles on your Web site, always have an offer for anyone to use the article on their site with your resource box. If you send out an e-zine, have the same offer with the articles in your e-zine. If you receive e-zines, e-mail the owners of those you think have a good target audience for your products and services and ask if they would like to trade articles.
2.Directories are growing daily on the Internet. You can submit your article to any of countless article, e-zine or subject directories. Google and Yahoo are the best places to start to find these directories as well as these: ww.ideamarketers.com, www.ezinearticles.com, www.goarticles.com.

If you think you can’t write a decent article but would like to use this great idea for promotion, contact a ghostwriter, copywriter or freelance writer to help. WritersWay writes articles for you that showcase your expertise and read as if you wrote them yourself!

© 2004 Andrea Susan Glass and WritersWay.com. Any reproduction of this article in any manner is prohibited without the consent of WritersWay.com or the author. We give permission to use this article on your Web site or e-zine if you reproduce it exactly as it appears here including this notice. Visit www.WritersWay.com for all your writing, editing and marketing needs and to order your FREE report, “Top Ten Tips on How to Write and Sell Your eBook for Maximum Profit with Minimum Effort.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andrea Susan Glass, founder of WritersWay, helps clients reach their writing and marketing goals with effective articles, press releases, newsletters, Web site copy, eBooks and books. An award-winning author, she has written books, eBooks and articles on subjects ranging from animals and auto repair to singles and spirituality.

Let The Kissing Begin
By David Leonhardt

Every now and then a quarrel breaks out down at the barber shop, lines are drawn, challenges leveled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What is the greatest sport ever?

Some say “football”. Some say “baseball”. Canadians say “hockey”. The rest of the world says “soccer”. (Actually, they say “football”, too…but they mean “soccer”.

I say: “kissing”. Yes, kissing is the greatest sport ever. Allow me to recount just a few of the reasons.

Kissing is a very versatile sport. There are so many kisses - at least one for each occasion. There is the peck on the cheek kiss, the peck on each cheek kiss, the peck on your nephew’s cheek kiss while grabbing the other cheek flab with your hand, the madly passionate kiss, the kiss on the hand, the kiss of death, the “Hey you! Kiss this!”, and even the town of Kissimmee (founded by early Italian pioneer kissers) in Florida.

Kissing is easy to transport. It really doesn’t matter where you are. You can kiss: at the gym, in the boardroom, in the space shuttle, even in Alaska from June through September.

Kissing requires very little equipment, meaning you can do it even when unprepared, and even when you have to travel light. This makes it the ideal participation sport for businessmen, world travelers and hang gliders

Kissing always livens things up. Try this: the next time you are in a booooring meeting that seems to last foreeeeever, why not just kiss somebody. See how it livens things up?

Kissing is legal in all 50 states and most countries. Rumors are circulating that kissing will even be legalized soon on Mars, Jupiter and in Afghanistan.

Kissing is 100% biodegradable, so when you kiss somebody, you help the environment.

Kissing is safe to do in a moving vehicle, as long as you are not driving.

Kissing is non toxic…unless you kiss somebody who has just swallowed a bottle of Drano. Even so, kissing is still safe, as long as you avoid the mouth area.

Kissing is non-fattening. This is perhaps the best news of all, because now dieters have something to keep their mouths busy while not eating, and smokers can quit smoking without having to chew candies until they a) need to diet or b) induce diabetes. (Read the headline: “Kissing prevents diabetes”)

Kissing is organic, low in sodium, preservative-free, low in saturated fats and does not contain dozens of delicious ingredients that cannot be pronounced, like javelchromopntheoremicherbicidic acid.

Most kisses are not tested on animals, but who am I to stifle your sense of adventure.

You can kiss just about everyone: your boyfriend, your aunt, your wife, your veterinarian, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick and your pet aardvark. Don’t try kissing them all at the same time, though…especially not your boyfriend and your wife.

Kissing meets the toughest safety regulations of any national or international sporting organization. Kissing has a tremendous safety record, except for the occasional locked braces. But a quick call for a AAA tow truck fixes that problem (CAA in Canada, AA in the UK, the local plumber in France)

The only recorded deaths involving kissing are by third parties, usually wives, husbands, spurned lovers and other spectators who somehow get past security and storm onto the playing field.

There are a few kisses we recommend you avoid. These are often referred to as “extreme kissing”. Don’t kiss an on-duty sumo wrestler; it is considered dangerous. Don’t kiss a metal fence-post in sub-zero weather; readers in northern climates know exactly what I mean. Don’t kiss any electrical outlets. Don’t kiss the vacuum cleaner if you want to retain all your vital organs. It’s OK to kiss sandpaper, just don’t use your tongue. Don’t kiss a chainsaw; we feel this one is self-explanatory. And don’t kiss your office manager while on duty…unless you happen to be a work-from-home hermit like me.

But overall, kissing is so great that it makes baseball, hockey, football and soccer seem like bush league sports. Next time you hear a brawl at your local barbershop, just go in and give everyone a kiss. I guarantee that you will win the argument hands down. And if not, at least you will make some new friends to argue with.

About the Author

David Leonhardt publishes The Happy Guy humor column:
http://www.thehappyguy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html
And A Daily Dose of Happiness:
http://www.thehappyguy.com/daily-happiness-free-ezine.html
Read more humor columns at:
http://www.thehappyguy.com/humor-articles.html
As well as owner of the Liquid Vitamin Supplements Store:
http://www.vitamin-supplements-store.net

For years, I smugly prided myself as a non-fax machine person. I felt it beneath my dignity to own such a technical contraption. The quill is more my style than a computer but, being practical, I reluctantly use a computer, casting wistful glances at the dust gathering on my quill.

Unfortunately, in the world in which we live, it is necessary to fax some letters or documents to someone in some odd part of the world. I don’t like it, but that’s just the way it is.

On the rare occasion when I must fax some document at an office supply store, I usually sneak in the back way. It has been my experience, when the fax man seeth me cometh, he always raises the price per page. This is just a small service he does for Yours Truly.

Then, when paying for this service, the fax man usually says with an impish grin, “When are you going to get a fax machine of your own?”

I always flash a smile back at him, but if he knew the thoughts in my head, he would charge me more per page. Silence truly is golden, especially for the person exercising the virtue.

Actually, I don’t trust machines. I know a mind somewhere is controlling all of these machines a menacing, mischievous mind dedicated to the simple task of messing up my life.

When I eventually break down and buy a fax machine someone will invent something to replace it and I’ll have another antique on my hands to put alongside of my Underwood typewriter and boxes of 8-track tapes.

This notwithstanding, I ended up buying a fax machine several weeks ago. I didn’t want to, but I had no choice in the matter.

My printer finally went the way of all printers. I hated to see it go. The left side was cracked where Noah, the original owner, dropped it. For years, it served me quite well. My next printer will have a big ink cartridge to fill.

I hate buying replacement equipment. Rarely is the new any better than the old, just more expensive, not to mention complicated. But, necessity is the stepmother of all complications in life, and I set out to buy a new printer.

I resolutely did not want to buy a fax machine. Under no circumstance did I want to buy a fax machine. Therefore, I ended up buying a fax machine.

It is impossible to buy a printer anymore. In order to buy a printer you must

buy a machine that prints/copies/scans/faxes. I think it’s a pretty sneaky way to get me to buy a fax machine. Someone “out there” is set on me owning a fax machine even though I don’t want to own one.

This new machine does everything but vacuum the interior of my car. But it was the cheapest machine I could find.

I bought the machine but determined not to use the fax part. After all, somebody has to stand up for what they believe. Not everybody should succumb to the latest trend.

I was doing fine until ending up in the hospital. When I got out, I needed to fax a document to the hospital. Now I faced a taxing dilemma.

Do I go to the office store and fax my document, or do I try out my new printer/copier/scanner/fax machine?

Precedence finally gave way to convenience. I took my document to my new machine and figured out how to fax it to the hospital.

Not being confident in my technical knowledge, I called the hospital office to check on the faxed document. Much to my surprise the person on the other end said in a very cheery voice, “Yes, I have the faxed document right here in my hand.”

I must admit, although I hate doing so, faxing from my house was much easier than going to the office store.

I now knew how to fax a document anywhere in the world, but I had nothing to fax to anyone in the world. I just stood there looking at my machine trying to think of something to fax.

Even though I knew how to fax a document, I still did not know how to receive a fax.

Several days ago, a friend called and said he had a document he wanted me to have right away. He then asked the ominous question, “Do you have a fax machine?”

I began to say no, but hesitated and confessed I had a fax machine but did not know how to receive faxes. It was humiliating to make such a confession, but it was true.

“It’s simple,” he said, “hang up the phone and I’ll dial again and let the machines talk to one another.”

This caused no small discomfort. To think these machines are talking to one another behind my back is most disturbing. What are they saying about me behind my back?

Now that I come to think about it, I have heard sounds similar to snickering coming from the general direction of my printer/scanner/copier/fax machine. I don’t mind Big Brother watching over me, but I do mind some machine making jokes with other machines about me.

When it comes to “new things,” God is the master. This is what He promises to do for us. “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV.)

Put that in your printer and fax it.

About the Author

Reverend Snyder is currently ministering at the “Family of God
Fellowship” in Ocala, Florida. More of his articles are available
for reprint at his website: http://www.godspenman.com/
Rev. Snyder is available as a guest speaker. He writes a weekly
column and is the author of “You Can Always Tell a Pastor; But Not Very Much ” available at: http://www.jamessnyderministries.com/

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

JEEPERS CREAPERS IT’S JULY!

– Odd Events & Activities Calendar for July 2005 –

Compiled by: Beatrice Blitterlees & Earl Craboon

July is one of the most popular jocund, jocose, and jocular months of the year.

In a nutshell, this means one can be jestful, merry, playful and witty without fear of becoming a public spectacle.

After all, it’s summertime. And in some places like Canada, this 60-day season comes but once a year … along with oodles of blinking bugs, hordes of black bears, and far too many blessed barbecues to count.

“Joie de vivre” is in the air! Now get ready to jay-walk with joy, munch jelly-beans with reckless abandon, and jog to your heart’s content (without any clothes on of course).

And without further adieu, as the saying goes, “May my karma run over your dogma”. If you don’t fancy that, then enjoy the following odd activities designed to put a smile on your face if nothing else!

July 1 - JUMP FOR JOY DAY (Time to leap tall buildings, skip something important on your to-do list, and hang out with all the other jungle-bunnies at the Jungle Gym).

July 2 - JUNK ART, JUNK BOND, AND JUNK MAIL APPRECIATION DAY (Who said there’s no gold in them there hills of riff-raff and really tasty refuse!)

July 3 - JEZEBEL RECOGNITION DAY (A festive occasion to celebrate red-hot mommas, fashion-conscious floosies, and those saucy, sultry sirens that spice up life!)

July 4 - JUMBO APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor all the white elephants supported by public taxpayers, and those everyone ignores sitting in their living rooms).

July 5 - JOUSTING TOURNAMENT DAY (For all Knights of the Board-Room Table who need to don their jock straps and shiny armor suits, ride well-heeled hobby horses, and yell “cowabunga” while poking each other in the mid-riff with super-duper, ludicrously long whopping rubber pointy things just to have a bit of fun and frolic).

July 6 - JOHNNY-ON-THE-SPOT APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor the humble but clean and safe public places of ease that afford one the opportunity of taking a piddle during a parade, a leisurely leak during a jamboree or simply letting the creative juices flow at an outdoor jazz festival …so when nature calls, why isn’t there a blinking one in sight?)

July 7 - NATIONAL JERRY-BUILD & JURY-RIG RECOGNITION DAY (It’s never too late to honor all those marvelous makeshift folks who simply slap things together with a bit of duct-tape, silly putty, and glue without things falling down around their ears!)

July 8 - JUNKET AWARENESS DAY (Time to audit all the places politicians, pundits, and grand pooh-bahs have visited in the name of “expanding business opportunities” or “understanding diverse cultures” …all on the taxpayers’ tab!)

July 9 - JIM-DANDY, WHIZBANG & HUMDINGER DAY (A great way to honor average Joes who want a name change and need a reason to have a party when it isn’t even their birthday …they’re just glad not to be at work today!)

July 10 - JEEPERS CREEPERS - IT’S CRAB APPRECIATION DAY (In honor of all those cranky Cancer-types who love security, money, food, children and also some very old casual clothes you wouldn’t be caught dead even if they have designer-labels and were once worn by Batman or the Bees Knees for that matter).

July 11 - JOLLY JUXTAPOSING DAY (For all those folks with a color-coordination or mix-and-match impairment gene, and now a valid excuse to dress up like a dork!)

July 12 - JOYSTICK & JOYRIDE AWARENESS DAY (This day is dedicated to people who are all thumbs, hate teeter-totters, and always dreamed of driving a kiddy-car).

July 13 - NATIONAL JOB-HOPPING DAY (In honor of those who quit their juicy jobs as call center operators, burger flippers, or toll booth attendants and ran away to the circus).

July 14 - JAW-BONING & JAY-WALKING DAY (Time to recognize the vital role played by influence peddlers and crazy cross-walkers in the lives of the dull and boring).

July 15 - JOB’S COMFORTER AWARENESS DAY (There’s one in every crowd who discourages or depresses while seemingly giving comfort and consolation - give them a wailing towel, a big fat sucker, and send them back where they came from fast!)

July 16 - JOSHING & BANTERING DAY (Good-natured teasing, idle-talk, and twiddling thumbs burn calories and brings bliss, what more do you want from life?)

July 17 - JUMPER, JUMP-SUIT & JOHNNY FASHION DAY (Time to honor clothes designed for folks with no curves, no class and no clever jokes to get a laugh!)

July 18 - NATIONAL PUT-YOUR-JOHN-HENRY-HERE DAY (Finally a day to finger all those folks who scribble signatures on documents that none of us can read!)

July 19 - JANGLED NERVES & JIGSAW PUZZLE DAY (A time to honor little lost puzzle pieces and those frazzled folks who call this leisure activity - stress-busting!)

July 20 - JODHPUR APPRECIATION DAY (A form-fitting pair of leggings with a full cut through the hips that every well-dressed closet elephant-lover should wear!)

July 21 - JOLLY ROGER RECOGNITION DAY (Pirates are pleased that basic black is back, while patriotic flag-waving folk adore the classic look of skulls and cross-bones to impress their friends & allies!)

July 22 - JOHNNY-COME-LATELY DAY (If you’re always late for a very important date …and your name’s not the “Mad Hatter”… this day is made for you!)

July 23 - JITTERBUG APPRECIATION DAY (So you have two left feet, and you can’t find the right groove let alone the wrong one…but who says you can’t jive, jump and down, or jiggle your booty like the Big Bopper or the Loony Crooner?)

July 24 - JETSAM & FLOTSAM APPRECIATION DAY (Time to toss a few things overboard in the sea of life before you take that all-expense paid trip on the Titanic!)

July 25 - JIGGING, JOGGING, & JUGGLING DAY (A way to honor those who like tap dancing on the head of a pin, running a mile in someone else’s shoes, or deftly tossing objects in the air with not a hope in hell of catching them without the aid of an iron fist in a velvet glove, a spanking new magic wand and the Wizard of Id presiding over this ridiculous spectacle).

July 26 - JALOPENA PEPPER AWARENESS DAY (If the devil is in the details, then Beelzebub probably eats Tabasco sauce for the main course and hot peppers for dessert! So if you want to be a big bouncer or a big bazooka movie star - eat plenty of those suckers!)

July 27 - JUMP IN THE JACUZZI DAY (To gain a new perspective on life, toss your knickers, drop your drawers and enjoy a bubble bath with your friends or neighbors).

July 28 - INTERNATIONAL JARGON APPRECIATION DAY (In recognition of people who love the sound of their own voices and enjoy spitting out some very strange words that baffle or boggle the mind of those who have to wade through all their bleeping bumpf!)

July 29 - JOVIAL JINGOISM DAY (Time to write a hiliarious, catchy but short patriotic jingle to rally the freedom-loving world against the evils of licking luscious bubble-gum flavored soft ice-cream on a hot day!)

July 30 - JACK-IN-THE-BOX & JUMPING JACK DAY (A day honoring all those who spend an inordinate amount of time, money, and other resources trying to stuff “Jack-be-nimble-Jack-be-quick” back into the wrong frigging box …but never tell that to a manager …because these Big Birds are paid to pigeon hole everyone!)

July 31 - JOWL APPRECIATION DAY (This is joy-filled festive occasion features fondling of a dewlap, wattle or pendulous part of a double chin belonging to an intimate friend or close companion - just to let them know how much their wiggly whatsit means to you).

About the Author

Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and Lord Earl Craboon are two charm-free types (who having been tossed out of the House of Lords and Ladies in Jolly Olde England) ended up in the Court of the Quipping Queen situated on the tip of Vancouver Island waiting for a 9 point on the Richter scale earthquake to hit at any moment. (In the meantime, please feel free to drop by www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com for more breathtaking details).